Last month, I felt plugged up in Japan somewhat, in spite of the light diet there. Sure it's possible to eat loads of meat if you tend towards Yakiniku (basically, Japanese Korean food). But we had tended towards noodles and fish and a broad range of foods. Maybe it was the swampy summer heat - strolling about in my curteous long pants, I felt a heavy load in my guts. I kept thinking, I want to search for "tokyo colonic."

I can't remember where I first learned about anal irrigation, where they shove a tube up your bum and flush out your lower intestines with warm water. Maybe it was L.A. Story, a Steve Martin homage to Southern California living. Either way, I remember the early image I had of clean water pushing out decayed bits of food and flesh; I thought then, as I do now, "I wonder how John Wayne's colonic would have turned out?"

It would have turned out a lot of old steak, I think - just based on an uninformed imagining. This conception of colonics was affirmed this weekend, as Jane and I sat with her sister Anne and Anne's boyfriend Ryan. On the banks of the Russian River, just above our canoes, Anne's homecooked meat pies in hand, we shared colonic lore. None of us had ever sat on the hose, but Anne had a friend, or a friend of a friend? who had a colonic where she was able to see what passed out from her bowels. Supposedly, she saw a piece of an old plastic toy, swallowed in toddlerhood, finally flushed from her guts. This woman lost ten pounds, the story went, and she felt great.

It was a magical idea, we all agreed - throughout life we accumulate eated bits that never leave us. So why not flush them out occasionally? A little web research yeilds the International Association of ColonHydrotherapy web site, where you can search for Colonic professionals in your area. Biotherapy Clinic on Post street in San Francisco; from their pages, it looks to be a few Russian emigres with some deep steeping in alternative medicine. Normally, the mere presence of a web site for a business makes me more likely to take them my business. I like having easy access to information! But part of their sales pitch includes the line:

How much is your colon hydrotherapy session?
$65 per session. We have the lowest prices in San Francisco and the Bay Area!

Is low price really the most important qualification to use for dedicing who should irrigate your ass? Considering how important cleanliness and care would seem to be - a punctured or infected butt would be a sad side-effect of a deep flushing.