Every few months I forget my primary directive: be comfortable with not knowing. The universe has dark and light; entrust oneself to change. Yesterday's clarity is today's stupidity! Relax.

When I forget my primary directive I get in a frenzy. It builds quickly - I trace thought furrows I've dug deep in my mind: who am I? Why am I here? What can I do? Am I purposeful?

And there is much gnashing of teeth, casting about for new careers, contemplation of radical shifts. I suppose one could argue this time is important for understanding, contextualizing self - figuring out where I fit in. What kind of image I want to try on. But it's silly, really. I don't do much work, creative important personal work, during these periods. I do a lot of fretting, of calling friends and asking them general questions. I express insecurities and get back vagaries.

My Mother gave my Step-Father a video camera just after they were married, so he could record his golf strokes and watch himself and improve his game. It wasn't long before that camera made its way into my room, and I started taking it on family vacations. I had a number of tapes of my grandparents talking about their life and relationships; last year my Uncle took those tapes, and some tapes my Aunt recorded, and put together a two-volume DVD set of family lore. Today, each member of our family received those family history DVDs.

It's fantastic. My Brother mentioned wanting to put on "It's a Wonderful Life" this evening but I didn't see how that could be more fascinating than the rest homes, the grave yards, the small churches, and the tableside chats with the people that made us. There was so much ethics in what they said: working hard, not judging sinners, putting in more than half the energy in a relationship to keep it going. And the exhortation that resonated most strongly with me: "The amount of money ... does not help you if your health is gone." What my Grandpa said - my posture has been on my mind lately. I'm letting the web tie my limbs, arching my back towards the past and my shoulders towards a ground-bound future. Time to apply more conscious posture to life.