strategies for living include masking weakness? If I can spill my guts honestly about my excessive need, is that something worth enshrining in art? What picture of myself do i want to have in people's minds? There's a difference between sales and honesty. But what is honesty? Trouble - it's trouble to go to, to tell an honest story. Politess would seem to say that I should drink a beer and watch a good movie instead of cutting up a film about my suffering. celebrating suffering I suppose you could call it, instead of taking steps to address it. Like doing more pushups? I have no idea what to do with all my words. Sit still I guess. Do my homework!

But if I feel any connection to the divine it leads me to madness, that is, to express all my thoughts loud to the sky. And in this office that wide berth for my expression is the web. And I have some custom to publish there. So what more would I want to say online? I'm tired. I'm alone. Ahhh! What does all that mean? I'm crazy, I think. Wow.

maybe I've lost trust in the web as people have lost trust in me for publishing on it? somehow I'm going through something crazy like a break up, sobbing unable to speak, withdrawn I'm not used to this state of mind. I'm generally a positive, focused, excited person. This is like some kind of emotional experience I don't have a ready handle to understand or follow. I would write about it online. But I wonder, what use are extended tales of my personal inquisition? I think through comments and talking to friends I feel too scrutinzed here and having no voice I'm just confused.