My first marriage ended months ago
email threads gone cold
empty chat windows
maybe one phonetext last month:
clearing a shared storage space
This morning I woke up after hours of fighting with her
Whilst on stilts climbing over a fast decaying house
A friend suggested
These nocturnal struggles should remind me
how much happier I am now
Four of the last five nights
In different beds in different countries
I wake from dreams full of fresh fighting
alone but estranged
I hitched my veins to her heart
She cut them quicker than I could reel them back
bleeding behind me
I trudge into a future where sure
I feel judged
inadequate for the long haul
At night a bachelor
I slumber and cry out to her;
I have something to prove
I should not have been thusly ditched!
by daylight I remember This is
not a warm battle This is
not a compelling cause
I have been happily abandoned -
she's in a better place
my father Wesley first taught me deep loss
a living being leaving
another behind
though by gun
not lawyer
He and my first wife knew
there's a better choice for them:
to exist without me.
Why wasn't I allowed to help them stay?
How should I orient my life without these kin?
Why would people I love prefer to be
or not be, without me?
We enter life full of faith
We are taught suffering
Maybe it's easier to leave
Shoot yourself
But I remember love
These night dreams won't let me move on
As fast as I would
Find a new person with whom to tie up this bleeding
And prepare for another lifetime to lose!
