5 march, 1996

5 march, 1996

maria kahn
an old freshman flinger
stopped randomly for my roommate
I unloaded months of sexual tension
relationship qualms
power issues
I don't regularly consult my friends
unfurling doubt seems indulgent
but I do this random unloading
and this web therapy

what wisdom! she
respect and conserve power
respect and observe power
try dating someone in their twenties
I'm still trying to understand "sexual heal ing"
and feeling 21 year old license
conflicting with lecherous inclinations
(surrounded by these nubile beauties, I feel a horny old man.
pretty people
visually arresting people
they're interesting
right?
I invited someone with pretty intriguing presence
out to paces tonight
not much to go on,
a little reserved nature with mutual piqued interest
from what she's heard,
I've sacrificed meaningful personal relations
to my to my vision.
where is sacred
privacy?
we all have our walls barriers
hers no less obvious, halting than mine
she admits to manipulation for the sake of
her questioning
listening
eyes averted answer refusal
guarded, obvious in turn in time
I talk for 10 minutes
try to turn the tables
two minutes
and I'm talking again
I don't think it's me.

listen, I like to take some encounters
as far as they will go
I don't care so much about direction,
I just want them to go places
(or really be here, if that's your metaphor)

we had an outward tradjectory
but soon reaching the limits of gravitational pull
we're now in a tight orbit
I've got to go
she sez,
beginning to collect her things

something about distanced people
they're tempting and they don't always want to be distanced
patience is a lot of it
letting go is most of patience

she's reprovocated,
and maybe I felt like talking about my dad
not so often occurance
"do you curl up inside when you think of him?"
she asked,
picturesque alluring

curl up and grasp.
like the intangible within
the intangible other
beautiful distance
prone to pity

wallowing's good
she sez

yeah, but when I wallow
fuck them for this
or they don't understand that
or I deserve this
I end up compassing
the suicidal suffering
still a legacy of rage
that's demanding answers from a dead man
now looking moe within.

after that unloading
it didn't matter that she didn't talk
I had gone somewhere within
she'd been there watching

so she said some stuff
she said she does"n't want to be naked on my web page")
so what are your sex issues?
my turn on the floor again
torn between limitless
expectations
yadda yadda
we feel vulnerable.
I've revealed a heck of a lot to you!
she sez
a ha.
uh huh.
me too.
Carew
comes over for some kava kava
(I have extra)
should I bring money? gifts?
whatever.
she brings a small garland of flowers
and a picture of a sadhu
indian renunciant
today she sent me a poem.

next | march '96 | prev

daze | justin's links

justin's links | www.links.net

justin hall | <justin at bud dot com>