I decided to release my book, my recent extended writing to people

before I got sick of it

or just to satiate restlessness

raw feed from journal:

amy from mills reads 1/2 + book sez its like a start to intimacy compelling but disillusioning because its not intimate. like imploding - painful but compelling to read. Alluring intellect persistent hers I think but somehow something yin? --- --- ? patrick might see flashes of genuis but he wants to not
she sez - you will never have enough love after reading - it will be your destruction. she attr but insi something wrong and optimism I mean that perhaps I give? Appetite. She says there's sadness in the text (which is also "too long") and I replied "mom" mother immediately. she's on X unhappy about it for the duration of an extended chat with ramblin' 'becca some 'bout families + feelings (forgive thy mother justin). After some 5am realization I was pardoned a moment w/ intuitive Amy has so much to say about my need for attention obvious + imagined - gleaned from reading and I was so drawn in to her insight + patience tho the prognosis was so wary, so seemed she. I invited her to please give me a call that we reconvene conversation I believe she will - she found enjoyment (said) in my company, notd paradox in attention need identified exhausting burden. We shared 2 hugs the second of which was even more charged and rich and deep? than the first - I am smitten some - glad to hold consummation for sobriety + further regard (more mutual perhaps) - that cerebrally, but I feel her in my loins as well, which bespeaks a possession. We agreed her intense reading might not avail w/ out drug agreeance. She was wore purple tights and a green sleeved shirt. goes to Mills. From Massechusets. (gave her a card. PAtrick handed a sitting in Cyborganic mezzanine her my manuscript after he skimd it. Mary from net alfredo mentioned Gen X (wrong (?)) seeking their leaders online - and so perhaps have I poised - but in light of Amy's analysis - what would I hope to give or gain? of course not to worry overmuch about attention hunger but a new lens by which to recall and proceed to mature and self-suffice for strength. her? she sez I involve everyone intensely in my process of active therapy I'm always healing very active healing - some people are always processing, she thinks I'm always healing. Dad/Mom, chiron in first, father future.

to go back and critique:
I leave my narrative to persue the power chick in the midst of patrick's critique
it was, of course, a well-detailed eveing of group therapy for me
even rebecca joined in the act - she was responsible for the "forgive thy mother sentiment"

patrick said he saw seeds of genius, but he was hesitant to remark as much for fear of head swelling
amy was not such a problem. I have moments like these, probably once every six weeks where I run into some psychic beastie who just stares through me and pronounces my pain and sources
and so was I a little hesitant to give her full swing, though of course that mirror was reflective and enticing.
power relationship. one-sided.
but still, I stay to see if there is more to it - from that sensitivity will directness bravery
and patience

next | nov '96 | prev

daze | justin's links