22 november 1996

nov 22

last night,
abbe observed that all the touching tickling tangling between amy and I was "repressed sexual tension" that makes sense. demystifying sense. still,

another fucked up whirlwind romance.
the more I thot about it the more I wanted an answer and I knew that if this was a sober moment, away from her and alone and others and thought through and weighed out
that I wanted an answer a committment - she's far too cool to be wavering so much
and I'm far too cool to be strung out or second string
so let's end this lay in bed and torture each other wicked sinners shit
I'm better off alone.
you always have to sacrifice something in coming to a conclusion
conclusions propel in useful important ways
so sacrifice
I left such a message requesting clarity on her answering machine.

lunch at chavos' (last time there two years ago with will kreth)
now jsd, reese, wayne, ryan, vjim
enchiladas
great group
I love these people
so funny and full of life
we speak of drugs and dentistry
marathon
I learn from second hand that last nights learning was amy's SO's indisgretion as well
I laughed
at the irony
after, I realized potential I guess
strange thing to celebrate
we walk from lunch
vjim and I turn toward electric minds
literally three seconds after we are alone

I, "so, he fooled around with someone too"
and we both crack up into hilarity spasms
jesus, some delayed reaction justin

spoon gentle advice for the coming semester
do your thing
you're fun to work with, let's make it happen

positive vibration, yeah
re: school, he recalls father guido sarducci's five minute university
ten second spanish class "como esta usted" cuz that's all you would remember anyways

talkin' some to amy
trying to decide whether I will go to mills after anderson

she sez she will be breaking up with her boyfriend by phone so
do I want to sit downstairs (cuz privacy is key) sit downstairs and be there right after?
dignity,

found other places asking donations online:
http://www.torah.org/genesis/donate.html and http://www.promo.net/pg/nl/pgny_nov96.html

howard looks over my article
abbe looks over my writing from last night
not much wisdom to share - near a computer she is edgy and distracted more than usual it seems
reads over more than one daze
she hovers her cursour over each of my links, checking, following none
she sez that howard and she had a long conversation regarding me

won't share any specifics, come tuesday we'll talk
she does mention that he really wants me to go back to college
I see her academic side as well
you're kind of academic justin
why don't you just go back and get your degree?
apply yourself and just finish!
this is my experiment
trying to find fit
am I delued liar to say I learn from the world?
what won't I learn from a submersive schooling
talking and living, crippled by postmodernity
the art of language persuit to the point of absurdity
left to my own devices, I read the tao, I read castaneda, I browse the bible
I challenge and wander ideas

I work until laurie anderson
I head to cha am with scooter meet sean
men talk of women, power
spirit of machiavelli invoked
it is a power game justin, you want to maintain strength
from a man training relentlessly for kick boxing
good advice, tempered - good to make decisions for yourself and stand by them
that is power
not abject or extended control - that is hell
abbe was saying similar things

at laurie anderson, I sit next to amy,
her michael jackson red leather jacket
it is perhaps a little tense between us
laurie is pleasant, memorable
witty
different from the men who've presented here
she is more flexible and less grandstanding
more artsy, certainly - slides, answering machine voyeurism
has me in stiches laughing occasionally

afterwards, the reception, some shmoozing

I have not really the heart for it

few of them are my friends
I give some hugs to some good people
paul and helen are there
they give laurie stamps they've made of her

postage esque stamps of her
then they disappear
paul and helen are weird
genuine weird.
they come back, I take a picture of them
like I took a picture of sean and scoot at dinner
neither came out - my camera's messed.
bummer.

I told laurie she put my url sixth on her concert t-shirt hotlist from two years ago
she looked as pleasantly acknowledging as she had before I spoke
no recognition
yes, we looked at a lot of web pages for that
thank you, I bowed, for including me
and that was that

and amy and I were free to continue "discussing"
is that a bad sign? discussing our relationship only not yet a week into it?
boyfriend.
long time - years.
close, but she wants to break up (I am "only a symptom")
but, she tells me, she stays late on the phone with him and he draws her in with manipulative quiet tones and turns her on and they sing to each other
she has not let go
she wants to wrap things up.
but "he needs her" she says
she's the only one who doesn't shit on him.

thank you, ms. nightengale.
does he need her to be his girlfriend?
yes.
spiral depression bullshit - you can't heal him
how do you know?
I know.
there comes a point when you have to let go
so she will go to chicago to spend thanksgiving with him, so he won't be alone, so they can settle things
so they can have sex and fall back in love
jesus, girl, make a decision.
why do you care justin?
because I want to proceed with our relationship, as it is developing, in open space.

he doesn't affect our relationship!
hah. bullshit. we lay on top of each other, you feel guilty because of him.

and on down the block like this

we reach the pickup, come on back with me, because you want to.
I know I want to. but you need to straighten this out first.

she takes me into an alley and gets real close
kisses me, me neck, snuggles up and sexy
hubba hubba, that's great I'll kiss you back but I'm not coming

(you don't use your tongue enough she notes

near the car, we're saying final bye
it comes down to I don't trust her either
(she tells me this sporadically, she don't trust me)
that I am unsure as well comes to her as a relief
we gotta work on that
they leave, I see them drive away and she is smoking a cigarette

I come home, reading the tao
this morning walking to work I thot to make the front page choice of my words or lao's
strength in lonliness and sobriety pleasure
not total austerity, but moment propriety. tonight would not have been proper, from any angle.
so I write.

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