25 august, 1997

august 25
my thanks to youse who read this page yesserday and wrote me to buck up.

i write on the internet about my problems because it helps me deal with them to process through words. when i'm in a funky mood, i like to write, because when i read over it later, it has a certain charge to it not carried by the workaday casual chitchatter piffle we usually use to communicate. so i share it that it's easier to find that heavy stuff. like right now, i'm in a rocky mood, and i don't have my blues records with me, and it's hard. if there was a robert wilkins web site where i could download "prodigal son," and i had more than a 14.4 modem, you can bet i would be listenin'. so i hope someone decides to share those blues as well.

but i am blessed;
today ann landers called the house lookin' for ma,

how are you? she asked,
well i was a bit physically depressed
"i'm not so good, the woman with whom i am enamoured has just severed communication between us."

what's the story?
we can't be together because i go to school on the east coast, and she goes to school out west; she's 21, i'm 22. we love each other, and we love to talk - we communicate constantly, email several times a day. but it's too distracting for her - she's at a point in her life where she needs to make decisions, and she sez she's thinking about me too much.

sounds reasonable.
yeah, she's smart. it's so reasonable i can't argue with it. that's why i'm depressed.

well, i think that - do you want some advice?
are you qualified to give it?

she didn't take the joke
please, you're an expert. thank you.
leave her be, find some female companionship - find a young woman and go out for coffee. not like a replacement; for your mental health. don't brood. forget about her. i have a feeling she's not gone.

and i am blessed,

Howard Rheingold sez at 17:45 -0700 8/25/97,

>Read your web page about Amy. You must be hurting. Here's a hand on your >shoulder. You can always call.

thank you howard. i feel a little isolated here in chicago - amazing what an interet connection and a caring friend can do for you.

i'm trying to write my way out of this funk - i don't get depressed very often so i want to make something of it.

	before my friends and familiars reached out and touched me, mostly through email thank you ellen i went walking to develop my last roll of film: hondo/amy/sf/larry's wedding, including pix of me and Mr. Rodgers i noticed my knees locking walking slow and slumped uh so i straightened up, and sortof noticed my gradual decided reslumping.
walking by the gucci store in bloomingdale's, i noticed a large advertisement with a couple laying horizontal, the woman's naked breast and nipple clearly defined in silhouette. i went inside to complain - the first guy said it was just a corporate promotion, they had no control. i thanked him for absolutely avoiding any responsibility and asked to see someone responsible; the manager. she emerged and i introduced myself and asked about the tit in the window. she smiled, "it's a new corporate direction." have you gotten a lot of feedback? yes. negative or positive? mostly negative. yeah, i came in to complain because it depresses me. yesterday i broke up with my girlfriend and i'm depressed and i don't want to see tits; it reminds me that i won't have tits for a while. have some self-confidence! she smiled again yeah, maybe i should buy some gucci stuff to boost my ego. she laughed
anyways, i'm less miserable now than i have been today, thank you to people who read that i was feeling sucky on my site and wrote to me my mom congratulated me on my ann landers, and mr. rodgers advice - a blessed life i feel like because i write and give away stuff and just work and don't worry so much about money or power i get to be a part of a community, i am able to recieve blessings from good souls who also give stuff away. sure there's probably psychologically sinister reasons why someone gives advice for 50 years, but that's the scummy side of the coin. i like giving stuff away, i need to when i'm feeling dumpy; i didn't expect and i feel honoured by caring responses

another little bit and i'll shut up:
for the 9 months we've been together, i've enjoyed reminding myself every few hours
i like amy
and meditating upon her to bring additional light to my circumstances
now i have to catch myself, and that feels unnatural.
i wasn't done with her.
maybe i'm still not.
the fall is coming.

tomorrow i go to madison to visit gk

anything you want from chicago?

liquor.

then to swarthmore early thursday with wilson to begin wsrn promotions madness
no question of distraction; there's a whole new freshman crop there.

does healing meaning justifying it and deciding everything's for the better and actually rewriting the story and reducing it to lessons and pleasure memories and moving on so quickly now does that cauterize the wound? once i'd resolved chandra i could never be the same way attracted. but now i feel like my brain is turning this relationship into material and seeing amy in a more decayed light
so weird changing so fast i'm watching myself
like the next one will be better i'm on a spiral path upwards and even if i died everything will be better like insane optimism coping mechanism but since analysed and still felt is beyond delirium to conviction
but i appreciate her different from hopeless obsession like quieter and still younger love
but maybe i just need faith; the next girl, or amy's return
everything better
i'm wasting time - need to watch the rest of jackie chan's "drunken master"
never seen it.

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