my thanks to youse who read this page yesserday and wrote me to buck up.
i write on the internet about my problems because it helps me deal with them to process through words. when i'm in a funky mood, i like to write, because when i read over it later, it has a certain charge to it not carried by the workaday casual chitchatter piffle we usually use to communicate. so i share it that it's easier to find that heavy stuff. like right now, i'm in a rocky mood, and i don't have my blues records with me, and it's hard. if there was a robert wilkins web site where i could download "prodigal son," and i had more than a 14.4 modem, you can bet i would be listenin'. so i hope someone decides to share those blues as well.
but i am blessed;
today ann landers called the house lookin' for ma,
well i was a bit physically depressed
"i'm not so good, the woman with whom i am enamoured has just severed communication between us."
we can't be together because i go to school on the east coast, and she goes to school out west; she's 21, i'm 22. we love each other, and we love to talk - we communicate constantly, email several times a day. but it's too distracting for her - she's at a point in her life where she needs to make decisions, and she sez she's thinking about me too much.
yeah, she's smart. it's so reasonable i can't argue with it. that's why i'm depressed.
are you qualified to give it?
please, you're an expert. thank you.
leave her be, find some female companionship - find a young woman and go out for coffee. not like a replacement; for your mental health. don't brood. forget about her. i have a feeling she's not gone.
and i am blessed,
Howard Rheingold sez at 17:45 -0700 8/25/97,
>Read your web page about Amy. You must be hurting. Here's a hand on your
thank you howard. i feel a little isolated here in chicago - amazing what an interet connection and a caring friend can do for you.
i'm trying to write my way out of this funk - i don't get depressed very often so i want to make something of it.
before my friends and familiars reached out and touched me, mostly through email
i went walking to develop my last roll of film:
i noticed my knees locking walking slow and slumped
so i straightened up, and sortof noticed my gradual decided reslumping.
walking by the gucci store in bloomingdale's, i noticed a large advertisement with a couple laying horizontal, the woman's naked breast and nipple clearly defined in silhouette. i went inside to complain - the first guy said it was just a corporate promotion, they had no control. i thanked him for absolutely avoiding any responsibility and asked to see someone responsible; the manager. she emerged and i introduced myself and asked about the tit in the window.
yeah, i came in to complain because it depresses me. yesterday i broke up with my girlfriend and i'm depressed and i don't want to see tits; it reminds me that i won't have tits for a while.
anyways, i'm less miserable now than i have been today,
another little bit and i'll shut up:
for the 9 months we've been together, i've enjoyed reminding myself every few hours
i like amy
and meditating upon her to bring additional light to my circumstances
now i have to catch myself, and that feels unnatural.
i wasn't done with her.
maybe i'm still not.
the fall is coming.
tomorrow i go to madison to visit gk
does healing meaning justifying it and deciding everything's for the better and actually rewriting the story and reducing it to lessons and pleasure memories and moving on so quickly now does that cauterize the wound? once i'd resolved chandra i could never be the same way attracted. but now i feel like my brain is turning this relationship into material and seeing amy in a more decayed light
so weird changing so fast i'm watching myself
like the next one will be better i'm on a spiral path upwards and even if i died everything will be better like insane optimism coping mechanism but since analysed and still felt is beyond delirium to conviction
but i appreciate her different from hopeless obsession like quieter and still younger love
but maybe i just need faith; the next girl, or amy's return
i'm wasting time - need to watch the rest of jackie chan's "drunken master"
never seen it.