chandra chandra

chandreturn (9/7/95)

today walking with johanna

wearing only a slip
looking pale peculiar
an expected hug returned
felt familiar scrawn
back and arms
how are you
buddist social ethics

full face peek in door
bored stephanie was lingering
hi I came by for a visit
drops coat and leaves shoes
paces the room
she's already owned it
I notice how big her eyes are
what kind of drugs is she on
or was she always like this
she is pleasant, talking to my friend
behind my back while
I continue research on the computer
pitter patter she says I don't have a hard time with anyone
I say just you
she feels jabbed
stephanie leaves quickly
enter crispin
leaving soon
chandra strikes up with him too
I join them for cross country conversant
she makes pointed fun of nebraska
gratuitous hatred for the state
(a speeding ticket there,
we purchased a radar detector
the people weren't very nice)
turns to me
oh is that where your relatives are from?
it is too absurd to be painful
I'm finishing up on my computer
she leaves crispin to request some talk from me
so he leaves
I switch the music she likes
african pop music
to isaac hayes
by the time he gets to phoenix
I'm bolstered
twelve minutes of persuasive funk
for mistreated men.
a hug
good to see each other
I'm uncomfortable
and I tell her
but after we discuss our summers
adventure, scars,
she wants to touch mine
she flops down on my bed
I tell her the story
she doesn't stop fidgeting
first flat
then seated, up
spreading her legs
pulling pillows over them
then on the floor
she looks genuinely concerned
dissapated when I laugh reply
her summer was unstructured
she'll never do that again
rutka massure gave her so much
just knowing she didn't have too
I wonder if she was paid
explored her chakras
mind and headtop open
heart and stomach absolutely fucked
started reading the new testament
she feels she's ready for faith
just got to make that little leap
I think it's a big leap
she knows where she wants to be
just last night,
hanging with Allegra the pleasant cristian
I thought to recommend evangelizing chandra
she's ripe for recruitment
"this is my life" she found
just a few weeks ago
last semester was the worst
her most suicidal
she'll never go back there again
neither will I.
she begins to state our state of stasis
I'm monitoring my body language
and wondering what to say with my eyes
I don't want to look at the pubic hairs
poking from the sides of her blantantly exposed panties
she's wearing just a slip,
seated indian style
made a brief attempt at modesty
and stopped after two inches too little
this semester
I'm excited to be getting into my right brain
she seems surprised to hear my artistic inclination
she wants to be friends
I want to have my boundaries
I am trying to be honest
she thinks I'm so cute
comes close to hug my knees and close her eyes smiling profusely
I want to tell her she's still crazy
instead I tell her she's still exuberant.
I can tell her a story about howard
astrologically speaking
and she laughs
we speak of our odd dress
she stands to model
her breasts silken hips and smoothed
I feel a hard on coming
and I know I don't want this
I tell her I must to the library
looking obviously dubious
she shifts her legs
panty flash
one final question
do you think you can be my brother?
the usual show stopping relationship consideration
I'm not prepared to answer
and I don't have anything to say
I feel like I've already addressed this
I turn it back her way
she is demure, deffering,
she wants to know how I feel
like going to the library
simply stated
I'm going to give you a hug
go to the library,
and we'll figure it out as we go along
If you want to know that I love you,
or that I am your friend,
I am.
I am a wonderful person
she says, moved
aww shucks
I feel insincere.
I move to hug
she doesn't get up from the floor
sit with me
she says
and knee to knee
she's crying at me
smiling joy
I pull my glasses down for intimacy
till they are on the bridge of my nose
after seconds, I can't breathe
I push them back up and I feel protected.
she starts to talk
and recognizes that screws things up
I pat her hand and agree
she gets up with me
we leave together for the library
detour to worth parking lot
her new car
a 93 white two door
with a radar detector
I think of asking who she travelled with
but I don't want to play that
another hug
I'm on my way
whistling Isaac
I know she won't let me go
I am called, for a gift,
two mongolian stamps
a fish,
because I'm pisces rising
and an archer
it's a sagittarius.
finally I am free
whistling saxaphone triumphant

chandra | swat | life

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