11.14.96 draft - please consult justin@justin.org before distribution

manifold manifest
a young person's information appliance

thanks to my mother, and all of my fathers.

street commerce


I set out to write a book, and I have this friend denise, and she says we should examine our motives for wanting to do things,
so if you can patience this momentary navel gazing before we commence the meat of the matter,

anyways, watching the roadies erect the scaffolding can be differently fun and energizing as the sound and light show of the concert itself.

for attention, indeed

I'm justin, justin hall, nice to meet you. or not nice to meet you, nice to have you meeting me.

there's computers nowadays, and when you plug them into a phone line together you get a computer network
one of the perhaps unforseen outcomes of this networkis the unprecedented distribution of media that takes place thereon,

another friend, arthur, he sez the real commodity of the internet is attention

I'll tell you now, for the period of the popular history of the world wide web, which as I stand writing this particular piece of file, in late september 1996, I have commanded an unprecedented amount of attention from folks over the wires.


by writing extensive about my life

some people write in, they say, hey justin wild web pages. there's so much there.

it's like every body has a soul that goes so deep
so deep and so wide
in this internet I have found a way to put mine forth

it gets attention

cuz I'm 21, I sort of have jobs, my mother still gives me money sometimes, I'm not hurting for cash
I don't sell myself for muhnee, tho that can be a sign of attention)
but I do create to define myself,
in relation to others

and there's such a thing as stewing, right, sitting in your juices overlong and becoming soggy

so I wanted it to be clear -
sometimes when I'm quiet, when I'm not acting to have folks give me juice, and even sometimes when I am, I have insights,
nothing more than noticing the obvious things that millions of other people have for centuries, as they've grown up, used to stitch a larger and larger quilted understanding of the world
this is mine,
and perhaps the pattern is unique, if the pieces are not

is it worth killing trees over? well, if I don't sell a modest few thousands, I'll know it wasn't

if it helps a few people understand or sew their own fabrics, then heck yeah sure what more could I hope for?

so in light of all that drivel, you'll have to pardon my use of the words you and we, I'm naturally extending my experience to the world, you can agree or disagree - please do.

in addition, don't mind the perhapses mights and maybes; when I am rolling on some holy fervour, I throw a few of those in to keep it conditional, or realistic


many thought themes end up as chapter titles
but there are those underneath; personal conditions
- here's my context so you can hold it against me.

there is one, learning lessons
the flow of life can be the best teacher
and sometimes I wonder whether to match wits with the great chaos is how to proceed, or zenly lie back and watch it happen - accept that you can not effect change. but those are typically lower moments, not moments of optimism (see below), unless they are moments of high faith (see religion, belower)

san francisco; I suffer from bay area orientation, which I enjoy, but tilts my perspective overmuch from overdwell
- there is a collision of culture, so many languages are spoken, and the quality of the vegetables, and the hovering on the verge of seismic death
it creates a collective condition of near millennial all-hang-out that can be a bit much
compared to the midwest's solidity
I certainly enjoy this san franciscan (like saint francis) spirit-uality, versus the pure speed of the high east coast
the drugs and indulgence can weary
either way, you might understand these perspective better with a city in mind

I've studied some astrology, and one thing I've taken there from is elemental understanding. fire stands for energy and initiation, it can burn and transform and at least heat things up. water, emotions. it can bathe and a little bit of it is in everything, even rocks. the moon drags the water around the world, even in our body, so forces other than oneself can contribute to yer emotional state, or lack thereof. earth is solid. you can sleep on it or make stuff out of it. it don't move fast, or mebbe even often, but when it do, whooa boah. air is light and floats and within us and above us. it can't hold much but it moves. it really moves.
each one effects the others, interacts in particular ways.

I must as well confess my western bent, it is the history with which I am most familiar and the world in which I've grown up and continue to exist. I do think the convergence of world-halves continues, for the most part, the trappings of that world, the physical reality, often seems to be most western
at least the media addled reality of which I am a participant

along those lines, I'm trying to doubt myself at every turn, especially when it comes to prescribing anything
it is as my friend caleb observed, you can make an argument for any one thing, and then it is so easy to turn around, make an argument against it.
often best to just tell stories in that case,
or illustrate both sides and see which one seems most moral, or sensible, or comfortable, or worth pursuing

because anything becoming possible, especially with expanding of the globe and the according increase in the numbers of human examples - you can find anyone to prove anything, or even make a whole demographic of it.
witness the media made importance of "soccer moms" in the US 1996 election - what planet did they land from and when? and how did they get quotes around themselves?

moreover my particular lifestyle of travel and electronic exposure might have enlarged my example pool beyond the ordinary.

and this final frustration and essential conflict -
is anything really changing, or is it just quivering slowly, perhaps accelerating or broadening
the only thing changing perhaps is technology and access to and amount of history de humanite
see progress below


I don't know that there is two of everything, blue and white, and shades of teal

right, the question of whether it's all divided into two or three, and which two or three, is a timeless one

jill sez life is a balance of truth and harmony
christiana sez matter and spirit

have a friend suzanne, she sez she used to think of the world in a bell curve; like low numbers of people without a clue, most people with some clue, and then a few people with a deep clue.
that's 2 dimensional - you're at a certain X, a certain Y

now she thinks about things as a sphere, those closest to the center are most densely packed, interrelated and slow moving, while those on the periphery move faster, more spread out, and have perspective on those in the center
but can get too far away and lose their connection altogether

each metaphor is useful, particular, situational
adding more dimensions is enlightening

in the context of this web bizniss, people building media and magazines to be distributed over computers - in some ways still a fledging industry, even after a harried 3 years
there sometimes appears a balance, or lack, between biz and creative, right, in San Francisco it's the suits or the sandals

do you work 9-5 or 10-1? are you well-paid or stimulated or hungry or crazy?
some work at jobs, for some their endeavour is more of a cause

there are many reasons to love hackers, computer geeks - one is that they often bust this dichotomy

if we look at bizniss people as being primarily involved with the management of resources
and creatives as symbol manipulators (be they words or images)

geeks managic symbolic resources (computers manipulate symbols (intangibles), geeks manipulate computers).

- I am pleezed to note that even as I have trouble drawing those distinctions, it is perhaps because I spend time with people in between these pairs (are most?) and I tell you this

those folk have the broadest range of wisdom and experience upon which to draw.
(broad perhaps as opposed to singularly deep - I find broad differently deep)

but as a world walker, being between worlds sets ones teeth on edge or random nights for inexplicable reasons you are pining for the place between the places you've been between

witness myself, from chicago, born and raised; attended college at swarthmore, suburban pennsylvania and dwell mosttimes in san francisco.
I grew up in wealth, parental provided
I choose to live, occasionally, in the midst of less privilege

and so while I feel qualified to correct stray liberal fantasy at college-age with hardened realities of being mis taken for a homeless person and being in the homes of people who are poor perhaps in part because they do too often drugs
while then being able to ponder how those well-endowed resource rich tokers and smokers have their pecuniary path mo' well insured
(I am stuck wondering at the divine nature of things, that some people get off their butts and make incredible things, and some people make smaller simple things with their lives, and some just suffer (see religion)


I have an infinite variety of subjects that I know somewhat well, I can begin to verbally relate to many folks (tho I find bein' human often enough cause for conversation)
and more over I can begin to lend the perspective of a jewish native american rasta college professor towards deciding whether its acceptable to drive a car and consume petroleum

and I can say I love san francisco because the people are more overtly spiritual, higher off the ground, more prone to psychic phenomena
while I appreciate and occasionally long for the steady groundedness of the midwest where I was born,
or the unabashed go getterness of new york

this plenitude of voices and perspectives lends itself towards something akin to schizophrenia
which voice is really your own? geographically, where are you comfortable?

if so many possibilities or experiences, it is at times unsettling or disquieting - longing for the solid single perspective concentration
if you take your vision back far enough you can see it's more than parts, they're your whole, and perhaps in some way reflective of the whole world.

I have friends, I know people who suffer because they are too sensitive. they have in fact been diagnosed with one thing or another, I dunno, it seems simple, they hear too much. they see too much. they take it too personally. it can hurt to see too much. not too many people see as much as you do, and even those that do can be pretty hard to live with.

the internet facilitates this digestion and assimilation and perhaps encourages the distending spread of self (see ken gergen and sherry turkle)

so in some way this is it - whatever helps you see, whether it's staying in your home town until you get that or exploring the world from end to end searching there
I find broadening my perspective exciting, if painful
when I've been beaten or stolen or left forgotten or otherwise had my expectations failed
I find salvation in lessons.

(and certainly a better time without expectations
and strict attachment to systems


everything, every relationship, every person, every location,

this is another way to look at things, one that is perhaps optimistic because it turns each and every thing to which it is applied into a potential betterer
and overused can be just another crutch

granting things equal respect - there is no time poorly spent, only that time you are unaware of betterment.

metaphor collection.


rented car rent

so I was renting a car for a few weeks, in some large part to deal with medical appointments in far ranging places, in some other large part to haul my stuff around in as I was between dwellings
most of my appointments resolved, and doing some more settled living, I held on to the car for convenience
and it was stolen.
now there were a few lamentables lost therein; most notably some not yet processed photographic media, a camera, a painting,
but aside from that, it didn't take long for the lesson of the lost car to emerge -
that I was needing to walk and mingle with the world more
that even parking had become a bitch
as I evolved a city-dweller life, rhythm between two relatively close places
it was best that I walk or bus or even bike between them
and so my peace of mind returned,
as I lamented not reading the signals I had received before, that I should have let go of the car
but I saw the cosmic order involved

now there's something perhaps a little too easy in there, making obvious light of a sucky situation,
but it gives ones feets a divine sense of purpose if some higher power stole your car to put you on that road
if anything, it proves that you are not independent, you are intermingled
and if you could get with the plan, life might be easier
and the result is the right thing

aids and monogamy

one of the lamentables of my generation, particularly in the midst of college
comes to clarity as I speak with twenty-older siblings
college-age at the time of the birth control pill sex liberation
fucking all the time, everywhere, why not, it was new
worst that could happen was some vd prolly cured by a syringe

so now we learn that sex is death
kids evolving into sexual promiscuity have to develop strong self-preservation instinct
the free wheeling experimentation and liberation is no longer with us
a poor decision can tragically shorten a young life.

so recently, especially after some (protected) sex of questionable value
I've come to see a cosmic order involved -
that sex is for between now and an aids vaccine a far more serious pursuit
in addition, perhaps the monogamous relationship, rended asunder to some degree by the sexual liberation of generations preceeding
will now be healed or transformed, affirmed, by a need to trust the partner to pursue honest sexual relations.
in an age where a broken or misapplied piece of plastic can result in serious sadness,
there is more need for restraint, or at least honesty between dedicated partners.
certainly I find in my life I seek that kind of partnership more than I desire access to orgy states
(see relations below)
though I lament some experimentation
and certainly I mourn for the beautiful souls who have lost their lives in the in between period
there is perhaps a lesson lurking even within such a sad force


I think about restaurants and bars,
they are like living rooms and dining rooms.
I thought to myself, as I watched these italian dudes late night at papa milano's on state street in chicago, playing poker together,
I thought, it'd be nice to open a restaurant where my friends could hang out.
and as I've watched my friend jonathan open his cafe, and seen things that used to be in his living room, and adorn the rest of his house, take their place in this new project,
I realize that these places, for money eats and relax, are spaces created for folks whose homes are too small, or otherwise occupied, or generally unsuitable or incompatible for certain brands of pleasure or commingling
even for a change of scene, you go to someone else's house for dinner
weird sensation it is then to go to mcdonald's dining room - you never really meet your hosts, or they are part of such a large family that is incoherently bonded

realizing this has made me treat friendly restaurants with more respect, like I would visiting someone's home,
and resent moreover people who invite me over, receive my monetary kindness, and do not host me properly.

these are patterns, understandings
of which the rest of this text might be said to follow
means by which understanding and appreciation can increase relishment


all the universe is an inn; search not specially for a retreat of peace - Mr. Tut-Tut (translation: Lin Yutang)

recently, going through a little bit of personal crisis, for reasons here irrelevant but inevitably revealed elsewhere

I was thinking,
where do I go to deal with my shit?
do I talk? create? relate?

a therapist? ian suggested the park

not playing around with the computer (like I am) because that's denial, not socializing cuz that's running away from the problem

but what is the problem if it doesn't manifest itself in most of my moments? if I'm not noticing it, I'm out of touch. if I can't notice it, maybe it isn't that serious, or maybe it's super serious and I'm in denial.
if no immediate remedy reveals itself, then,

in order is mindfulness

"mindfulness" - loosely borrowed from thich nhat hanh, a vietnamese buddhist that my teacher don swearer at swarthmore first urged on me, and my friend howard seized on in his own recent moments of crisis

mindfulness, is just that awareness. I am slouching as I type, my breathing is regular, but shallow. my hands are cold. there is much background hum from other computers in this room.

and so, as I take my problemed self out into the real world, right social interaction
or I retreat into the computer cubbyhole,
each can be cathartic if I am aware

oh, I'm having sexual thoughts and touching myself
well jeez, this is the fourth time today! maybe I should let somebody else love me.

I'm playing computer games for three hours,
perhaps I ought to stop before I feel like I have no one to talk to and there is no sleep time left in the night.

whether or not reversing sentiments follow from awareness, recognizing yer situation is the critical primary means of path pursuit, recognizing where you are and offering the better angels of your nature the opportunity to move you forward

look at how we deal with these things
we speak about them with friends
by having to make our experience known (whether through words or grumpy looks or poor hygiene) to an other
we figure out even for ourself where we stand

you know, I was out with jannie and jimmie, and he really gets on my nerves
well, cuz he,

and all of a sudden that creeping distaste has been made real
(and always interesting to note what makes me uncomfortable and why. maybe that's interesting to you. maybe not. why not?

or, interesting enough, we pay therapists, people trained to listen (sometimes) to spend the time processing our stuff.
I wonder if this is just another way, in some part, we've replaced the clergy (see below)
or specialized sadness and sympathy and advise

modular componentry: segmenting society

the state of spirituality today is something on my mind often, before I get to it, I want to explore a trend overt in computers and perhaps consumer culture, but worth picking out here to make obvious. it is a theme that runs throughout this work and makes me wonder what is to become of our world.

america was and is a dream of folks. let's quick break that down -

travel, westward mostly, but important: leaving behind stuff to create a new identity a new self from abundant opportunity
that is done through work, entrepreneur, a good idea perhaps, but running underneath it all for sure is the current of money, that money is a critical element
because money allows choice

and that choice may be out of context
what context?

jesus, don't get me started.

people come here to be gay. they come here to dress weird. they come here to do drugs. to have long hair. to change their name. to start a new life with a new job.

and from here to the internet.

it's no wonder for me that much of the development of the world wide computer network "content" or media culture was done in san francisco
where people are used to assuming new or varied identities,
and those things that are important in life are more fluid and intangible
the native born are few and far between

or I look at it this way,
there's kids standing around in malls, one kids might wear a guatemalan print shirt (prints given to guatemalan peasants by the spanish colonizers so they could tell one native from another by the distinct print of their village), guatemalan print overshirt, spiked punk bracelet, pink and purple and blue bleached dreadlocks, skateboarding sneakers, a harley davidson lighter, low-slung gangsta pants, mirrorshades, celtic tattoos and body piercings.
s/he listens to jazzy soulful rockin' raggae thrash hip hop inflected trance funk with ethnomusical spice

the genesis for this example was not simply my addled imagination - at swarthmore college, I had a roommate performing a concert. justin, that roommate, was wearing a guatemalan shirt, john lennon glasses, long hair in a pony tail, a spiked bracelet, combat boots and black jeans. he was playing latin american protest songs, and he loved husker du and fugazi.

this is not a today phenomenon solely, but seemingly moreso

folks pick and choose from distinct subcultures of the last fifty years
like you go out and on a good rockin night in some american metropolis you can see reflected in dress and accessory imitation each of any of four or five decades and dozens of particular trends

I'm more interested in the folks that naturally synthesize it on their own
and perhaps the consumer culture that encourages or supports this behaviour by cross marketing or some other such buzzword, selling products outside their traditional purview
like selling the biker image to weekend riders and the disaffected

suffice to say that what we compose as our external identity has an ever broadening range of source material

I think it's very fun,
it raises a couple of questions

how much of a culture comes with it's hairstyle or fabric weave? I have worn low slung pants, and the feeling of having to constantly play in your hip and groin region is sort of a sensation, as is having to walk slow and perhaps strut to keep your pants on, and to keep from tripping over your pantlegs
but moreover the thrill, or sensation in those adapted aspects is how each one has a different potential to piss off or throw off guard older folks
express disaffection
that youth I illustrated above is allied with about ten social pariads - bikers, punks, rastas, hippies, guatemalan peasants, gangstas, skateboarders
and that kid may just be a slurpee drinking, nintendo playing future alienated corporate employee of the brave new world
what has s/he bought into?
when s/he comes in contact with any one of those subgroups, will they take his accessories as signs of at all belonging?
what value does it continue to have?
to be discussed in some greater depth in some future chapter is this commercialization,
what value does the blues have in the house of blues (chain of sanitary nightclub guaranteed same quality experience)? the delivery system has been streamlined, made more reliable, salable, perhaps accessible, at least to a broader range of people
has some flavour been lost? or is a new flavour been developed in a new context?
like the flavour that emerges when you mix blues and classical, or raggae and punk

I would imagine that most folks, at least myself, you traipse between worlds, sometimes going for packaged commercial and revelling in that and then revelling in thrift store purchase as well. I tend to favour the latter, because compiling my looks and feels of cloth possessions from the previous worn has pleasant alliance with souls I'll never met.

it is when we try to integrate those separate parts that we run into trouble,
because even as things continue to lose their sacred or separate value, and are added to the potential wardrobe of any western dweller, some things do not belong together, and either by their sheer uselessity or pariahism of previous generations, there are some difficult fits

all at once we have our independence, our ability to choose to be more, encompass more

but when you step off the plane in a new place, when you show up at a foreign culture club, chances are you are not who you were - no reputation, no friends,

some people are defined by their ability to make new when the arrive thus,
or consumer culture has created some of that sense of comfort; as my friend danny observed for me, one thing at that point that might make you feel comfortable is mcdonalds', they champion sameness, that you might travel around the world and without even looking at a menu, be able to order a cheeseburger and know what you were going to get.

so perhaps we end up with some watered down common version of simulated subculture available for purchase and identity composition
like taco bell as an alternative ethic fast food

the internet is nice to think about here, because the fast rate of impermanence of location and identity is nowhere more apparent than there, where memes, mind viruses, trends spread fast and furious, without extenuous economic or resource hindrance
and so without even having to travel or wait for the latest idea or innovation, you can assimilate and belong to any range of intangible identifers

like a city, presents at least the illusion of choice

but it's all so abstract.

what then is relevant? religion?

because some people are seriously scared by multiplicity
watching elements of the world they've known become adapted and recontextualized and put together into somebody's mere costume

even all that they knew as holy or sacred or lovable is now digestible
so I have sympathy for the old guard, compassion occasionally as similar stuff happens to me
but still I can't resist these forces, no person can.
one might instead weave their own meaning of the remaining threads.

replacing religion / modern magic

when everything becomes available at so cheap a price
more information and knowledge than ever before,
and you can appear to be anything therein
you can even use a myriad range of systems to understand youself

commerce has taken over the placards once reserved for religion,
the plays on the streets were parables,
the stained glass - the only glowing, lit colour for the eye to behold - were bible tales

now, say, commercials and billboards, any message attempt to compulsion to desire is possible
message and myth making democratized, commodified

and with that function of spirit for sale as well
have legions of storytellers and occasional geniuses lept in to distribute elaborate and ancient metaphors and contexts for a new age cacaphony

we perhaps turn back, or forward, to some spirituality
the need, in the face of all our physical needs met, right, at least for the 70% of america that eats what it wants every night and has nice shoes and can decide whether to buy things or not
we have the time to attempt to understand what to do with ourselves
perhaps a spirit born not out of need to understand why we suffer in such physical hardship ways, like slaves on a plantation turning so fervently to jesus,
but rather western whites with enough time on their hands for neurosis and television
growing bored of the meta flow of devious distractions
attempt to understand what to do or not about being alive

if any meta-thing codifies,
I do not imagine it will be like what has come before -

a new bible

I used to think it was time to write a new bible. of course the original told testimonialed one was written by more than one soul, the new bible as I understand it today would encompass more than one faith
and might, as its primary charter, set about pursuing, in accessible tongue, the commonalities between those faiths
those points of human and cosmic truth agreed upon between systems - where they intersect and affirm
is there some trait of the bull that makes it a useful archetype in understanding tauruses as well as the stock market?
perhaps by some great project of synthesis of folk wisdom, we might have distilled essentials available
for the choosing of course, not for compulsion

now it's true that the moon effects the tides! and so some metaphor to explain weather in light of the phases of luna could be both true and magical

perhaps there is something about the book, or written form that favours a particular gender or a race or a culture, so perhaps it is a new song, or simply a new understanding that can be explaining quickly enough, or easily enough (with an ever-present option for depth) that it can be conveyed over teevee, or some similar means to reach many folks with such a short attention span, to let them know that it is alright, who they are, and their search for truth
that if they realize there's billions of other people on the same road, if they recognize it, they might be able to tap into an intangible yet still mighty source of strength and wisdom that waits for calmness and optimism
or lies within
still the essential elements of faith and impermanence

I take this task up today by here identifying those elements of modern american (young) life that in some way fulfill the segmented roles of religion in prior times
I do this to observe that there is in fact spirit permeating our every existence and if we lament the loss of value or churchgoing or religious or faith, then we simply are not observing with enough eyes

there are so many ways we've replaced organized religion,
most of them more abstract and/or specialized

like modularity,
broken up the large monolith of an institution, and created lots of little ones
that we might pick and choose the services we need, and can afford, and that accept and fulfill us
those aspects of spirit and community and advice
specialized, democratized, pointcasted, to use a few words

now instead of being so herd like, we are more consumer
perhaps hive we move closer to?

now there's some wisdom to it's been said that everything is spiritual. I trace these particular elements that follow closely thereupon, that we might see the ways in which the spirit, or spirit at all, is being served.

so what is religion? it's a system of beliefs.
faith in a system or lack thereof, larger or outside oneself
I will save words here, in large part to spite readers looking to hold me to entomological task

church occurs in stadiums, in storefronts, living rooms
when people gather together for common purpose or feeling
I've seen it happen at good rock concerts
and this is nothing new,
perhaps politics tho' that seems to be more about resources and groups than personal struggle
tho' not necessarily


the liturgy is pop, poetry
UBU or come to camel country - this is where the recent commercial convergence and concentration appears so unfortunate
that instead of wit wisdom and distilled common sense on the tips of tongues
or even homespun verse for that matter
commercial quick fixes and banal sloganeering - "where the beef?" "mmmm, candy."

now there, of course, I idealize a time with which I have so little knowledge really
common churchgoing and ritual society was pernicious in it's own ways
but if the energy that is spent on perpetuating brand awareness slogans
let alone the billions of dollars)
if that money was spent to distribute the words of jenny holzer instead, at least competing thoughtful, thought provoking folks invested in personal truth and encouraging spirit collective around more than fruit chewy granola bars or new mileage bonuses with each additional petroleum consumed
we might see the cute and catchy conversation around television between shows populated by more exciting awareness
you can rest assured, however, that our folks, us ultimately care most about ourselves, our relationships, our outlandish relations and our jobs
and for reflection of this
we seek not so often solace in jesus, or buddha abstraction
but our mirror reflections and thus outreach
from the radio sonic media
and to another extent still the printed word
or even rehearsed scenes on the aforementioned telly

the chorus is pop, music
it reminds us in the most pure or sugar coated forms of our own longings and victories, freedoms and restraint.
and so do we learn the liturgy, the words of the prophets,
and we gather like unto a church into moveable houses of worship
as particular flavours of spirit traverse the globe, we join and sing their songs along with the leader founder transcender stage standing soul
and when we don't have them present, we have their recorded music, and it defines us, unites us into groups of believers and fans
the grateful dead are only the most extreme version of this - some of their cultish trappings brought on by the boundary dropping aspect of drugs

drugs (likker, nicotine, sugar chocolae) the sacrament
and here look how we have made the sacred ordinary! cigarettes! watch people smoke chain smoke and sneak outside from offices and I remember hearing of native american slow method and ritual of friendship and contemplation and ceremony
and now there are those vestiges, to be sure, retained in smoking
but instead of a circle of steady value, it is in transit, "can I bum a smoke?"

certainly ritual in pot smoking
maintained instrumentation, how many pot heads did I know that named their paraphernalia?
music that went with the ceremony, lighting, candles perhaps
certainly groups of believers and non believers
and then the altered state

democratic accessability commonplace cheapens
we risk gorging ourselves to death
mistaking desires for needs
not having tools to forge happiness
nor the confidence to build what we need
and driving our starving breatheren to riot against their disclusion from the happy modern miracle - our poor impulse control orgy

artists : shamans
when you reach the pinnacle of American fame absurdity there's little left to pursue except largescale tragedy prevention - witness tom selleck speaks up for the trees, tiffany for homeless teens
some more genuine than others have some height above things to see the forgotten
they render them in subtle ways with conscience
otherwise they urge their followers to the fringe
or dizzying power height - atop a trend

computer experts are gurus and magicians
not often so flashy as artistic transients, they are waiting behind the leaders and even the artists making some (differently) real tricks go down
rubbing their hands and working their arcane language and tools to render fantasy worlds and futures

don't sell your personal space.
perhaps. if the future is a hive, be sure who you're next to, or what queen will be ordering you to make what honey

metaphor collection

what is essential?

while we sift through all that, I am left to wonder what is essential? is it possible to prescribe a spiritual curriculum that with a straight face you might advice to other folks beyond your acquaintance or even understanding?

this subject of essential spiritual truth is variously available for your perusal in any chain major bookstore
I imagine it a ripe extended subject for my own writings once I have set this text free
or even better for the web which encompasses far and wide elements in rapt stride)

I would say this -
understand the elements. earth, air, fire and water, their characteristics and how they interact,
know then which parts of yourself, physical, astrological perhaps, professional, relational, which parts correspond to which elements
people related to earth management - resources, like accountants tend not to leap so fast into risk perhaps
unless infected by fire which can burn or cauterize or boil make leaders or cranks or dangerous mavericks
water is just above the ground below fire and definitely air - can put out the former, doesn't mix well with the latter. wants to feel and intuit
not like air floats and lightly grasps more things and is pleasant to be around unless it's cold
of course each is part of your transient interplay of spirit, watching them commingle and come out on top is instructive

understand the essential miracle of each of the major faiths
that you might be inclined to lean on a one truth in a particular time of suffering
all the while understanding its place as only one of many plausible remedies for the human condition

in addition, learn to make a lesson, or see the symbolism in everything.
I wanted to masturbate, but instead I clipped my toe nails, and now I don't feel like masturbating any more.
well, draw what conclusions you will, and then let go of them. they're good for making observances, mostly to yourself, occasionally to others,
but overmuch, they lend themselves toward that sensitivity and schizophrenia discussed herein elsewhere -
you can't step on cracks in the sidewalk, you can't take an even number of bathroom breaks in a day,
paralyzing superstition.

now that's perhaps a more fanciful form of awareness
awareness is a critical element
knowing those essential miracles is awareness of billions perhaps superficially, but nevertheless

try carrying all the trash you generate for a week. you'll know more about the earth.

and I can rant long and hard about the internet, but where it intersects with spirit and makes manifest the science task is just simply making all knowledge tangibly intangible -
it's floating out there, accessible somehow
like collective memory, reference
because when you take all those pieces of works of science dudes nailing down each atom and each behaviour,
what emerges as important is not the role or behaviour of each, but rather its relation to others
where and how and which relations
no single internet site is interesting, but in the context of other web sites
and we knew this all along, that no piece is an island,
studying the elements will tell you that
but we can thank the internet for manifesting informational relationships.


one place we seek a replacement for that which people used to find in god or institutions we seek in relationships
but people always had relationships, we just now have a word for it.

I hang out with older people
it ebbs and slows,
but these days most of my friend is attached

as an indulgence, I tell you this,
there is no boyfriend or girlfriend like someone else's
either in the context of the loving light between them, or the what you could do better with the given materials

and that is just yearning after the intangible (see below)

drugs make better guides than they make wives
and so I wonder of all things

and certainly some relationships mirror drugs in other ways
there's some folk with whom I find quick energy eye contact between us like fire
even if there's a nother person in the picture, or they foreshadow loads of psychic trauma imminent on their personal horizon
I am drawn to them
and there I can't say if this is my own disease alone to enjoy,
but I can say this, I have gotten better at determining these draws, where it's like something I like beyond reason
and while I have had this argument with people - if I'm not sure if it's okay, if I get a bad feeling, or am not fully committed to this, should I go ahead with it?
cuz there's some points at which I know I can push someone to do, or to be something for me; we are all in flux and taking cues from each other, it isn't hard to get people to play in your drama or to play in theirs, especially if you can figure out what they want, or if they have a burning need to play in such a way
and its nice to be needed

so I have been told - well, they're an adult, they're responsible for their own choices, so you should go ahead with your desires

or I've thought a saving grace could lie in telling the truth - well, there won't be any trouble if he knows where I stand
but then you still end up by your presence tempting desires or frustrations and even though it's all out on the table, you're not any closer to comfort or even healing

because when you let a person in that close to you, you pick things up from them.
literally, with sex, you have someone inside of you, or you are inside of someone, you exchange fluids, you give of your insides to them
even with latex between (and latex between! what an ugly modern concept! see aids above) there is some psychic transmission that you had best be prepared for
I just think about how I spend enough time with people and I so easily pick up their mannerisms. I have a friend wilson, he is rather impatient, I spend weeks with him, and so does my speech become slightly more abrasive, as his becomes slightly more easy-going
that's rather simplistic and general, suffice to say, that we pick up each other's laughs and songs and habits and phrases and even friends and lovers,
imagine what lurks beneath that
unresolved family shit
hatred for species

be aware
there are nurses who can work with sick sick people and never become ill themselves, it is because they are full, and perhaps are not going to those sick people to find themselves. they have often already found themselves, in jesus, or what have you, and so they can channel that light into a black hole of need. but if one black hole meets another, people get violently pulled and perhaps sea sick in between.

and if you're not, if your energy is down, you are not yet immune to a particular human failing,
you can end up in a living room playing naked twister being spanked staring into a large black dildo
as I ended up one time, when my sex feelings were wandering and I was feeling a little lonely
and perhaps I found some company
there's often some relief in being incapacitated
but moreover, I unwittingly availed myself to people who had no interest in my wellbeing, and I turned to them to relieve, if nothing else my boredom
certainly some kind of loneliness

this brings up two things,
one of the worst things that can rend people asunder is asking too much from the other party
like when you need a girlfriend to be your mom best friend sister twin mind reader coworker
can be okay if those things can be confronted or delegated or understood
but if silent or denied

giving advice is like this
so more about what you need and who you are as opposed to someone else's path and progress
best to support the good in someone and hope that manifest in other areas

the other worse thing can be actually getting what you want
like my friend ratka realized she could just wish for a man
she needed some sexual fulfillment, so she wished him into her life (wishing like praying)
and viola, she very soon ended up with someone who was her tantric dream boy, with failing emotional maturity.

oft lauded "sensitive" folk, moditionally (or modernally?), "sensitive men," like me sometimes, can often be problematic as illustrated below:
what movie would you like to rent?
whatever you want.

it gets much worse when you translate that to serious relationship stuff; an inability to request, demand or even recognize what is needed in terms of relationship space
and this can happen even outside of a one on one personal relationship, it can happen between you and you
so in the groove of working, or so lonely or so otherwise focused, you don't listen or can't hear when your body or your soul or mind is requesting stimulae or peace

so I've resolved, as much as any single solution may be proscribed or followed
at least as an ideal
I've decided to deal with as much of the heavy shit between me and me
cuz when I go looking for heaVy shit in someone else
whoa do I get it
and upon reflection more do I long for quiet sustained love and fun than I do for most any tantric tantrums
intimacy versus intensity

and what I advise most of my sigothless friends is that they should relish that time to enjoy their hobbies, and their friend friends and their neighborhood and family
and all the other stuff lost and left between kisses and thighs and cries and cries

it's mostly a matter of just enjoying what you are doing
enjoying it, so much in fact
that you are prepared to stop when it begins to jeopardize or warp the whole puzzle of which is mere pieces

and lo how we are more verily attracted to folks doing their own devoted dance
at times
when we are prepared to respect allurance
beyond our own need for deference

as I make real my visions I watch my strength grow and I think that I would prefer consort with someone who favoured that side of me than flesh that availed my probing of a pub.

chalk it up to experience,

if you can see relations pain down the road, even if you think you're bigger than the pain
perhaps you have a moral obligation to keep that person from being hurt
conversely, you could argue that you have a moral argument to hurt that person responsibly,
I found myself in that place once, trying to teach someone a lesson by being honestly mean
that drew heavily on my own will to assert myself, and perhaps theirs to be subssertive, either way it was ugliness, and not ugliness that I wanted to be responsible for or involved with.
it brought to the surface a lot of underlying ugliness, but we are perhaps not any closer, only, like with drugs, aware of how intense and ugly and (un)satiating it can be, and so perhaps the propensity to be drawn and repelled is at once greater and more off-putting

like when you've known someone for so long in too many ways, the dynamic is just clogged or polluted and familiar and comfortable and irresistible and loathsome, depending on your proximity and state of being

but if you can bear the good in mind
and not fear in them that which you loathe in youself
that courage to love, to optimism can and will transform you

optimism not hung on potential
in love with what someone could be is so distancing and disillusioning
as my friend jennifer sez, don't be a potential junkie.

for my generation,
tangibly extended aging and length of life manifest new milestones of sex and partnership
before it was one third through your life you married
king tut - that was 15 years old.
now, one third through is more like 26 or even 33 years

there is more time for each of the age stages in a 76 or more year lifespan
and rampant sex is not the uberconnective relationstructure of youth (from AIDS above)

street commerce and the energy plane

I have a friend sergio, I remember him telling me a story, that he got on a bus, was chillin' in the back,
some dude got on "gave him a hard look"
some verbal violence there ensued, or maybe not, but a hard look was certainly grounds for that.

I find it like this,
I'm a curious guy, by nature, I love eye candy, I like to stare at shit.
so when I'm hanging out in a genteel outburb of san francisco, I watch the dyed blonde 40 year old ladies take their enormous dogs out. I stare at their clothes, and wonder about their sex lives.
in the heart of san francisco, in the mission district, I arrive the next day from that scene, and even beginning to subject someone to a similar prolonged gaze elicits a "whassup bitch?!" which is both immediately alarming as it is humbling

in the city, brimming over with people,
you say hi so few times, you have to mentally protect yourself

makes me wonder about city living

but moreover, the means by which the mind can be with eye contact engaged or deranged distracted or detained

bad shit happens on top of bad shit because your energy boundaries are down
yer weak from one thing so someone attacks you
even ordinary demands are more taxing

parallel energy plane

this is something that might strike one as pretty immediately san franciscan, right,

flakey! too far off the ground,
well, I have found folks here, or folks similarly inclined living elsewhere to be rather excitable about abstracts
I count myself among them,

I like to think this way sometimes:
that above this place, where you sit and read this, or the bus on which you ride after you're done or the conversation you'll be having in a week,
there runs above it, among it, an energy plane. where is manifest the exchange between you and people, or just manifest you, in a pure energy form.

calm down, it's a metaphor.

I mean like picture yourself as a big blue ball. or a yellow flickering flame.
other folks have similar but different embodiments, and in a sort of pigmentary struggle and sharing, you are like one of monet's paintings when he was cataract ridden - expanded and out of focus and very busy (most folks are like that, anyways)

then if you see that element inside of you
then people who give you hard looks
or sensual looks
are either sending their energy ball or flame at you, hoping to boil your water (emotions), or burn you, or get you to feed their flame (oxygen - conversation) or bear your own
mix and share and feed from your colour/energy

you may think this is shit,
but when you consider this: a friend mejgon observed that there is much psychic energy in the city.

what does that mean, practically? it means that when you're walking around for too long in a crowd of people, even if you don't hear their voices or engage them personally, being in that same space and close proximity with them subjects you to some degree of their internal dialog.

now we all know that there is often within us a pretty intense monologue or dialog or train or somethin' goin' on, that if another person had to or could listen to it, in addition to their own, would probably quite rightly drive them insane
certainly in numbers
so we try to keep those boundaries together,
but people who are lonely, or feeling alienated from their humanity, or spiritual life, have few other vehicles for their soul speech, can fill the space and or inadvertently your psychic space with their dialog.

one reason why people don't like the muttering homeless or mentally ill,
and they're just honest about it

witness, it's not hard to tell one on one, if you're trying to read or otherwise concentrate, when someone is worrying. even if they're not worrying, often their low level energy radiation is needy enclosing enough: witness requests in otherwise loving relationsituationships where folks "just need more space)

well, imagine you're in a room with 100 people, seventy of whom are worrying. you've shut down most of your worrying sensors, stopped trying to be sympathetic, or even consciously aware, cuz that would overload you. instead, you focus on your own dialog and perhaps task. still, there is some part of you that does hear the sufferings and meanderings of those around you, and it works its way into your own thoughts. considering the mental state of so many city dwellers, it is quite likely to be a poor conversationalist force.

I just look at it this way - when I wander through the city, I just kinda wonder and wish to be able to say hello to most folks,
on some small streets, that's okay, but on most busy thoroughfairs, that is a sheer folly. even with the best of intentions, you can not expect to greet and meet and share good tidings with thousands of people in a given day. it would drain you immeasurably.

so either, we are sensitive and suffer, or we become less sensitive. or we move away from people, either into the country, or into the television, where people don't seem to suffer or need much contact back from us.

or, huh, think about if you're back in that room with 100 people, and 70 of them are super calm, maybe even enlightened
that would be way cool.
or you're surfing the internet, where a lot of folks are prepared to hear back from you, as much as you're willing to put out, they're perhaps prepared to return.

these are at least better models of media relating

I hear about people moving to communes all the time, talkin' 'bout goin' get that higher vibration goin',
but what happens, it breaks up over sex intrigue;
sex is a pretty low frequency vibe. low and strong.


all around me I see shocking culture. I am not old enough to recall whether things were this shocking before people left their homes and there was a youth market

(I learned in college that the automobile created dating when people began to leave their homes and all of a sudden kids were out on their own in droves looking for entertainment and places to spoon)

suffice to say that between snot candy major necropheliac themes films about heroin and concerts guaranteed to kill fish in nearby ponds

I just wonder what the next generation's going to do to piss off their parents

how can music get any more in your face than rap? more abrasive than punk? more disquieting than chicken head eatin' cage dancin' shaved head and chain wearing satan worshipping teenagers from iowa with long fingernails and big amplifiers?

just the other day, I read in might magazine a tongue in cheek article charting the serious progression of satan - commercially viable now as a product presence

pardon my dust, but nothing is sacred.
not that I have a problem with that - jane's addiction just tickles me pink. it was part of my thinking they exposed - that to be savvy, and be alive, you have to be aware of how fucked up shit is, and true power is to confront that and dance around with it and say fuck you to older people freaked out by it
it is moral anarchy, seasoned with crack's momentum and heroin's inevitability
not so much lsd's saturated structure
it is exciting in some ways due in large part to adequate reflection of chaos and not responding with soothing or stiffness but rather the jerky discomforting rhythm dance to so many simultaneous disjointed beats
that is what it feels sometimes to be alive and sensitive today
certainly if you are a glutton for adrenaline
which when awry or angry can maim or kill even

I know my mom hates all this killer culture shit
while I and my friends listen to gangsta rap like killin' mothuhfuckahs is goin' outta style
cam took me to a white zombie show and there was recreational abuse in the context of full contact mosh dancing

hey, I chipped my tooth body surfing at a fishbone show - I'm not shy.

but there's always a point,
like I have take acid, but I won't sell it
cuz I don't want to enable someone else's temptation and devilry
a clockwork orange is perhaps the best example of this
watching the media is so seductive, beethoven lust, except they're beating up those people! and I wouldn't want to do that.
or caligula, he's crazy, partying

the best media is honest about the pain

it's the drama that's attractive. perry farrell and lou reed sing about heroin, and how much it takes over your life and may indeed suck
but the sheer fucking drama is conducive enough
does reading naked lunch make one want to be a junky?
it makes me want to lead an extreme life.

or maybe life performance is always been like this, testing behaviour's bounds
and only the means of delivery and reexperience grown more extreme
or the range or experience allowed

the path(o)s of excess lead to the palace of wisdom

so are we devised media channels of sanitarily delivering a broad network of experience?

the buddhists say compassion transcends our existence
knowledge precedes compassion
or passion precedes compassion

so in the heights of optimism, one could surmise the rapid transmission of lived experience to engender compassion and resulting collective enlightenment

either that or propagate the means to further suffering and delusion

prolly both.


it makes good sense, right, if you believe in the power of the mind
that creation in some cases follows from vision
witness the acknowledged fundamental of religion power is faith
quiet equanimitous belief, secular faith non specific
even that you might be able to make things happen with the power of words
some people are just lucky
or some people take lessons from everything

(this is an actual example)
well, my car may be stolen or otherwise missing,
at least while walking to the towing place, I found an all night pizza delivery place with pretty good slices

there is rilly a positive side to everything
at least with future reference
but present tense optimism -

can be as simple as at least I'm not dead
or at least I'm not that guy
which in turn might inspire
hey, i could be that guy!
and hence compassion

the best kind of optimism, the highest, is really loving all things equally, acknowledging beauteous aspects
because an eye or appreciation for those things can bring them so often to light

like I appreciate beautiful women, and happen to find them literally everywhere I turn
but I appreciate them of my own needs, and so drive them away

so a little optimism is helpful, but motive is as well key

optimism is really a sort of investment in one side of the bread, always looking for butter
it takes a certain kind of faith,
because there's times when wisdom comes from understanding that nothing may change.

or that everything is equally wonderful and horrid


does anything ever change?

I hear people talk about computers, like they're going to save or destroy the world
and as I myself present my view of how people might use technology tools to make a better world, I have to condition my statement as potential, because it is not the clear future,
as we noted early on herein, when presented with two shades of colour, the mix between is so often the result

moreover, people note the recent trend in health, or fitness
or the rise of drug use, or violent crime
there are very few of those things that are actually new -
people always think the latest technology is going to save the planet or destroy it
witness the steam engine, there were ludditary revolutions as folks decried the technology took their jobs away. sound familiar?
it's still true.
perhaps moreso.

same with health and fitness - we think we're in a craze now, with all the home shopping network sales of home fitness equipment and everyone going to the gym
but around the turn of the century in america there was a large health movement people heading to sanitoriums, and trying devices stranger than the thighmaster, and eating extruded bits of corn,
the founding flakes of the breakfast cereal industry were born a century ago
all natural 100% healthy oat fibre fruit bran ola is just the latest incarnation

this is not the latest incarnation of the environmental movement either, dudes pined the loss of old trees in 1800s england as well.

my mother took a trip to a rustic island in northern michigan, called mackinaw. they have no cars there, only horses. she reports that the lack of cars was wonderful, but the whole place smells like horseshit. and there are folks whose sole job it is to wander and pick up horseshit.
and so I've thought, gosh, if only it was as it was before cars, and particularly diesel trucks, cuz things smell so bad, like toxic
but pervading horseshit is pretty wicked as well

when I was a working in the downtown of chicago, amidst much spewn grime, I learned the amazing ability to get used to poor air,
I needed to breathe, and I just got used to it.

so what then has changed, continues to change? everything all the time. erasure of time and space, perhaps

everything's differently worse, only faster
media makes us more in contact, aware
and there are more people doing more things far longer lifespans

if it leads to despair,

but as you know, when faced with two alternative answers, the proper one in the end is often both.

the only time a particular answer is applicable is when you're trying to convince someone of something.

like folks always seems to think the revolution is inbounds and the world is just about going to end and so are we also approaching utopia
it's often an argument for more defense spending or sex with me right now or something equally immediate and paradigm-shifting

caleb noted, and this is perhaps more relevant towards the segmentation statement above
we were discussing that brand of semi-popular music, largely without lyrics, that has evolved out of rave/house/hip hop culture, fabricated by people with machines,
we were discussing in particular that music has ten easily identifiable and slightly interchangeable strains - trance, goa trance, jungle, hip hop, house, deep house, detroit house, acid house, mushroom jazz,
as caleb said, that particular genre of music is perfect nineties - long on self-identification.

so it makes me wonder if this is something heading towards more of itself,
or part of a larger cycle

here I approach astrology for understanding, because there are some planets, all of the planets being influencers on our affairs (if you buy in), there are some planets so far from the earth and sun, they move like glaciers, well, maybe not that slow, like 250 years before they are in the same sky sign-placement again.

one book I read, by a guy named stan barker, sez that neptune affects social forces. I remember him discussing in particular neptune in aries drags us into a period of wars and fires, sort of a violent turn over after the spiritual and dissolution of neptune in pisces.
and so I wonder that no matter what happens with self-awareness and safety and understanding, there is come a period of intense shakeup coming when all that will be up in the air again

whether you believe that bunk or not, it is a nice reminder of cycles and impermanence

and do we accumulate history? perhaps technology is the living proof of history. and perhaps there will come a time when wars will be faught over that, to destroy and own it -
our science fiction and crank university-bombers are harbingers

it took jules verne a century to come true. how long for james cameron?


without pinpointing a demographic
I wish here to observe trends and progress
the body motion of my generation
as it is, soberly, numbering prolly several hundreds if not thousands of millions

and as youth of places I've never been come of age, they will both change and affirm my findings
and if I chart only the american hyperactive cutting edge, perhaps I can make a bridge, and of them an example

my crew are a media savvy lot
predisposed to cynicism
quick to the point
that could be anything

barraged managing millions of mediates, I find them most of them able to weave pieces from many context in one overflow
as cited in segmented,
most of them draw from a dizzying range of cultures and connections
verily have we been handed a massive set of stories to synthesize
or not
as ever there are the missanthropes who retreat into coffee houses and dour attire to lament the passing of reason and potential for action
and the idealists who'll follow them there to see a darker side

so do some young folks I know search for a uniting cause something more compelling than cool
and certainly not commercial

tho you might not know it from the range of commerce to them available
this I find inspiring - that young folks continually subvert sales and brands
while still buying in; corporations are without fail coopted coerced and crossed
having to keep up in a world where they are perhaps coming to be the antithesis of cool
and they perform well as well, budsweiser poses as a microbrewery, reebok as the rebel shoe,
it is a game, adopting negative oppositional coverage as their own image

but I think moreover of young folks who've learned, for better or worse, to make media and commerce of themselves
teenagers write press releases
twentysomething companies become the standard in three years and sell out

and so then do I wonder, as I walk these paths myself - whether the lesson for this generation is that small may indeed be beautiful
hopefully not in so much reference to the remaining patches of nature environment
but rather to size of their own world they wish to master
even as I've written this book I'm having to consider if I wouldn't prefer it to reach perhaps a larger audience
and certainly more assured money
if I went with a professional publisher
but it is precisely that youth that keeps me here,
publishing with friends
and some intuitive understanding
that the advantages, opined of pro publishing are at this time outweighed by the drawbacks of loss of control and integrity
this time in america is a time to be on your own terms
you will be offered so many seductive opportunities to stand for something besides yourself
once you have sold those pieces it is hell to get them back
so I say this only, hold on to your peace.


what is this book? it is a few stories, more ideas between them
my experiences as bricks and musings as mortar.

this is a trend

there are so many things in here that I have implicitly or not identified as historical truths - the existence of human spirit, of relationships, of poor smells associated with tools of transit

but it's like now we have words for them and perhaps the legacy of science is to have classified and named everything, that we might talk about even our own human processes as identifiable, trackable, even manipulatable things
free time, enough to worry, enough to develop a "science of relationships"
we have more means of understanding human process in a sustenance-provising-vacuum that we are floundering free in realms of mind massaging endless discourse and analysis
note the popular dissemination of freud and skinner, and note the failings of determination of the human condition,
I wonder where does this process go toward next?
the abstract being a little wearing at times, and the descent, in popular trustworthiness, of the white guy in the white coat (objectivity and authority opinion), means we're headed for a tempering of this kind of abstraction knowledge
in favour of what? well, looking back at my spiritual musings
there is a note of interrelatedness,

if you'd like to know more about it, and I know I would, read Lewis Mumford's "The Myth of the Machine." Howard is always recommending it to folks, his two sentence summary is that the computer, or what have you, technology is not really responsible for the evils of disembodiment and nature flight and denial, rather this process began with the invention of the alphabet, because that's when we started being abstract.

now I haven't read this book, it's prolly too thick, but it kinda makes sense
there's a madness to making (or wanting to) make a pattern to lay on top of a lot of stuff to prescribe action for other folks.
at least a distance trade off for systemic assuration

me, I'm both an avid computer user to spread ideas, and now even here overtly the printed word to do so.

uhhhh, well, back when I was young, I remember giving the devil the swear finger. I think I was blaming him for things. I would put my lil' middle finger out and towards the downwardland.

don't doubt that the whole grand petty thing will continue, good and evil, doubt and progress
whatever millennial transformations have been promised are indeed en route, they're just coming when and how we least expect it.

if we depend so highly on abstraction, we will fall when our intangible supports fail or we simply cease to imagine them
right, personally, if I logged off the internet tonight forever, many relationships with people I've never seen would cease to exist.
and how would I know?

along these lines - if you didn't have a calculator, could you do long division?
if you didn't have a supermarket or money, could you find food?

now this is perhaps immediately lamentable as a portion of my argument most crotchety
indeed, I inherited it in some part from an older gentleman carl
they aren't teaching kids in school how to take care of themselves!
mutter mutter mutter...
I don't know really what they are or are not teaching kids today. I imagine there are some good teachers and some bad teachers, and some good students and some bad students
the question of whether the skills one has to learn to be a human being have or are changing at all is an involved one (duh).


started on saturday september 14, shown to someone else november 8
composed in primary part in BBEdit, on a Macintosh Powerbook Duo 2300c
rarely plugged into a dock with a decent keyboard,
mosttimes, in my lap aggravating tendonitis I have in my arms from too much computing

long streams in fits and starts
and then I'd print it out and carry it around for a while and edit,
which did not so often mean adding periods as it did mean adding statements like "like a corpse can be so savaged to be useless"
under chapters (retreat in this case)
and having to figure out what the fuck I was talking about there.

ramona st. when it was the cyborganic offices, stools at pasta pomodoro, on wayne's bed, my desk at electric minds, briefly over questionable chicken at malai thai, on a boxspring bed in an apartment at waller/fillmore, a line at the 11th & mission busstop, many edits at the horseshoe cafe, over delightful fare and neighborhood charm at thep phanom

number of times appears

stan barker

lewis mumford

might magazine

clockwork orange


james cameron

jules verne

jenny holzer

learn more online:
web itself
san francisco
spirit (elements?)
jane's addiction

denise caruso

arthur chandler

caleb donaldson

jill davidson

christiana durante

suzanne stefanic

jonathan steuer

ian mcfarland

howard rheingold I met working for a magazine in san francisco. he was the executive editor, I became his assistant. we developed a friendship/mentorship that lasted for some time and continues loosely to this day.

dan levine was my roommate my first year at swarthmore college. he was from new jersey. at that time, he was very much into being from new jersey, eating twinkie products and at mcdonald's, and being rather scientific or theoretical about it. I witnessed a few of his microwave and twinkie experiments. he's a weird dude.


ratka popovic

jennifer roberts





carl I never found out his last name, but he might still be sitting in the horseshoe cafe on lower haight street, behind the door, saying mantras on beads, reading books by indian guys with long names and watching the young women go by, waiting for the one that's coming to talk to him. amazing; there always is one coming to talk to him.