dec 11 I was going to edit yesterday to reflect post-computer room relating, and a tabouleh hijink, but I thought I'd let it stand as a forty minute miracle, and add them here during my business day when I am somehow taking some eminds day time to muse over my day -
yesterday after cristiana, to celebrate being able to live where I am living now until I leave in january, I thought I'd stock the fridge with taboulehcase in point: protested development on precious natural landspace near los angeles was held up and funders pulled out after environmental recognition was brought to bear
the guy at ali baba's cave looked at me
you sure you want this much?
yeah, it's got parsley, a leafy green, bulgar, a grain, and tomatoes, a vegetable. so there's three major food types! and it tastes healthyso he let me buy my $5 worth of tabouleh (cuz I'm a prefeshunal, and don't have time to make it, right)
I'm eating it at work and hilarie sez to me
why are you eating straight tabouleh?
because it's got three food types and it's healthy!
justin, it's a condiment.
after we left the computer center, we returned to her room. I had expressed some sexual reluctance, not so much ascribed to lack of attraction but rather enthusiasm for conversation
and man did we talk
and was I pleased, I was pleased to find her smart as I thought and quick and insightful
not that I suspected otherwise, but so much time sexual grappling distracted me from her more cerebral gifts
and so enough of this verbal tussling, we come to talk of sex
I say that I am not always so enthusiastic
she always want to have sex we're talking about this
I don't always want to have sex
it's not an issue of attraction
she is momentarily, it seems, concerned about that - but she is a woman of some confidence and allows me space to explain my need for controlshe had been calling me a spaz all night, she used to be the one people made fun of, and now I'm a bigger freak than she is
and we realize we both have quite a need for control -
she likes to lean over me on top during conversation and the warm up
I'm fine to have her on top, but I like to direct the action or have some hold on things from down thereso I tried leaning up over her, as she is to me so often, and she is made uncomfortable by it, and my arms get tired
screw it
but all this talking has alienated her
and I recall that chandra and I stopped having sex really after a while
it became cerebral and distended
amy asked when the last time I had regular sex was
probably may/june 1994
(regular being more than once every few days or once a week, because she sez "we never have sex!" and I said "we had sex two days ago!" and that was funnymy feeling that she is often rolling on me and gettin' ready and directing things is not my style I would rather not feel the pressure to perform and keep up all the time
I mean her sex interest inspires me to some small measure of guilt since I might be thinking about other things but I think I'm supposed to want to do it and please her, because she is a great woman
sex is not always on my mind but constant sex is her preferredso she seems sad to hear this, laying then with her back to me
I take her chin and turn it within reach
give her a long lashing of tongue and feel come over me that sensation of instigating desire and rising blood and skin contact
she is not wanting to be patronized, but too hungry so I keep it up
and all at once have to fight all the fears and recriminations and doubts and guilt flood my brain - that I am patronizing her, that I might not be able to perform, that I might cum too fast, that I might not cum at all
I try to breathe and make it go away
to keep her from sensing my struggle
perhaps she does, she rolls back around cynical eventually
but I am by now hard, and remembering sex-feelings
I take my penis and put it at the mouth of her vagina from behind
she is cynical about this too
but she guides me and
somehow I ends up inside her and it feels so good
I cum and I laugh, because it is so perfect cliche - I am indeed too much in my head, not very body
I took her with me, she felt the distance and distension
she is amazing at my detachment
I finally felt physical and got over myself
and I saw that it was good
we woke to al decker ringing the phone
he's calling since we couldn't hook up last night, we thought we might have breakfast
my only chance to see him is to take a cab to a train station and commute with him, airport bound, through the city.
cab costs me 19$.
he picks me up with his young new wife, jasmine, they are today london-bound, to meet her parents for his first time. it is a marriage borne of social causes - no formality or prolonged consideration, their honeymoon lasted three days, and included friends they don't get to see too often
we speak some of the democratic national convention, I had a first hand report, but they spent their time outside, barracaded from three blocks within united center
the police were extremely well organized and laughed off protester aggression and sheerly outnumbered them
they also sneak-snuck into a friend's rented warehouse and mace-attacked some protestors
not much time for us, I want to propose joint progress between the environmental community and venture capital -
specifically unity between my brother and al decker
I've heard theirs tension colin is one of al's oldest friends, at the same time al can't conscience colin's work for a large multinational corporation, and all the things it symbolizes and puts forth
an initial victory for the earth-forces
and then morgan stanley stepped in to provide full-on funding and send the project again boldly forward.
(colin works for morgan stanley. it's a large company, how much responsibility does he bear?)
well, if al has it in him, he might forgive my brother. I certainly had to, had to stop calling to berate him, and be his friend since that will probably do more good towards saving him from soul sucking satan than pushing him away in disappointment. he certainly needs friends working at a place like that. perhaps if al worked with him they might make something great. lord knows each of their movements need each otherbut perhaps if I understood better the environmental destruction taking place in the world today I would not be so easily forgiving.
work, I work some, write this some, work on an eminds piece some. howard has mentioned self-criticism so often, I'm trying to write and rewrite like I haven't in some time - with an eye towards polished clarity instead of off the cuff niceringtoitI'll meet amy in a few minutes, at the powell bart stop, and we'll go to ebisu sushi for her second to last night in town. her first time with sushi. she thought it some strange prelude to sex when I first invited her. perhaps it is. I'll let you know.
justin hall | <justin at bud dot com>