Justin Hall's personal site growing & breaking down since 1994

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dec 12

I left you last night on my way to meet amy, in some hardening rain - by the time we reached the restaurant, she was covered in little drops and her hair wet plastered to her face

I met her at the bart station, she gave me flowers - anemonies, open at night
she was reading jack chick
?(including the insane doom town)

height
we sat and waiting a long time for a table, and then I insisted on sitting at the sushi bar
we were about the last or second to last seated before closing time, sitting perfectly where my mom and I sat, where the owner steve makes sushi
we quickly told him she was a (sushi)virgin

and for her, something special
oh they flirted, and made innuendo
I can take her anywhere,
as long as I don't mind
and I didn't - because there was so much loving flowing over food
her to him for making it, him to us providing it
between us to be there, she was happy for a new discovery and I was happy to have someone to introduce to things I loved.

flower
ebisu is sushi ecstacy, not subtle necessarily but multilayered and rich

amy declared steve an artist
bar talk: she became his wife for food
(wife number six at the bar)
agreed to do an exotic dance for him on his birthday - january 7, year of the dragon.


we closed the restaurant after exchanging flowers, and she called for an early celebration of my birth anniversary
I had a candle and people singing at me

we strolled home, past by busses, wet from rain
otherwise unassailed, three people within one block of my house approached us soliciting homeless appropriations
I mentioned something about jesus to one of them
either repels their purient purpose or enlivens spirit
amy thought that was patronizing
she's probably right
I'm patronizing to a lot of people
patronizing is like insincere salesmanship?

home, she gives me my present
what a honey-sweetheart
a travel king james bible with my name embossed on it
what a freak
loveable freak.

some spot seems sensitive, I find I can make her moan with my finger like I can't last otherwise
some combination thereof might be exciting, but I don't have the stamina in my hands and wrists to hold and maintain reach-positions and gyrations.
tragic loss due to profession.

morning rise and kiss and lay there some
the excitement comes

we shower together afterward

(witness the PG movie sex scene segue)
- there's not enough hot water or spray for two folks too well

apt with cristiana
she asked me to qualify that feeling I had when he died, give it a colour or a shape or an image
I remember that I smiled, I smiled when I found out, I always say because I'd never seen my brother (my tormentor at the time) so afflicted
cristiana and I
that smile is a push down
amy accuses me of grinning overmuch
and perhaps I get numb and I smile to make light of hard moments
but it becomes a walk over - that fucked up folks or friends are able to take liberties with my smiling self and so I seldom lay down the law
like times I tell amy not to bite me so hard
she sez, you like it
yeah, well, maybe I don't. maybe I want to lay down the law. maybe I want to be angry with the fact that she likes to hurt me.
maybe I'm looking for something to prove cristiana's theory right

but I saw signs of this a few days ago when instead of being defensive or bearing howard's frustration, I was angry at his technique and excitement level.
so what I learned today was that acknowledging my anger might help
may prevent me from grinding my teeth (and needing major mouth work)
keep me from becoming involved with folks who need someone to shit on
might build myself up in the face of so many different advisors who often leave me confused and torn between their paths not my own
but this is not something to reform and revisit and deliver - rather a shift in consciousness - something to observe.

feels like an important morning, at the same time foreshadowed by events of days past and current relationships
so not a revelation, a confirmation.

dale and brother bob
off the streetcar, I see a man in an elvis pompador singing with a bible in hand
my digital camera full, I stop for a piece of pizza and download the camera onto my hard drive
then I took a picture of dale and brother bob


carl and joey visit

ambassadors from hell
I didn't know they were coming,
jim thinks we should reinstate the suck pool.
("suck pool" being eminds betting when they will roast us)
I recieve them at my desk, introduce them around
folks don't talk to them
I do
carl sez he brings electric minds up at hotwired product meetings
joey sez he doesn't mind that his well membership lapsed since we came online
joey is observing items on my desk
I tell him to get me on the guest list for the next wired vip party

esuck

booze leftover from eminds tnd, christian and I bring it up
the altar is in a state of some neglect and disrepair
we propose replacement with a wet bar
"corporate alcohol policy might prohibit the presence of liquor"
whoa. now I'm not a big drinker, but corporate alcohol policy?
I guess it makes sense, and I guess before we make big money, I guess we have to make some sense.
sigh.

today I got this mail:

Justin:

I wonder if you would even take the time to flame me. Lately your life sounds pathetic. I used to enjoy your journalism until you started working at E-Minds. That's when you started whining about everything. Your pages became a glom of depression. Fuck that dude! You were meant to lead others into the next century, step up to the plate and write something interesting. We're still out here and we miss the old Justin, the poet, the philosopher, the teacher.


-Chadly

I sent this back:

jeez chad -

that sounds pretty dire.

I'm 21 - there's a few months here and there that I can spend learning. if I'm spinning my wheels in idle depression, as you say, hopefully I'm at least learning something -

and then I go to college in january.
some people don't like that either! so there are different flavours. do I change? do I change according to the locale?

I dunno chad. you raise interesting points. I don't see how I'd flame you, seeing as how you ascribe to me some measure of leadership, at least in past-tense.

I'm dating someone - which has changed the content of my pages. she won't be around after tomorrow. that'll change my pages elsewhere.

I think I'm a work in progress. check back in later to see if you prefer the new flavour.

thanks for trying chad. and thanks for caring enough to sense depression and reach out.

justin

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