never had a chance to finish my last web page

i'm unemployed and busier than ever almost -

i wake and fight technical support and bank voicemail and unpaid speakers fees and my unpaid phone's shut off and temporary jobs, a little sporadic gardening and chatting with people more local than my computer

my birthday was little different

at the dentist, 1996 usually birthdaze i do right by me
today my life was programmed by amy
it was nice it was fun
i was blind standing in the sun

she asked me what i wanted for birthday breakfast, and eggs and bacon french toast type being her specialty but at the time inspired to health i requested some good yogurt and granola, fruit.

she stood and delivered! oh man, it was nice, because she ate yogurt too and she doesn't like that but i believe in yogurt.

and then, you know man, she tied some pantyhose around my head. yeah, so like i can't see now and shit.

and then she lead me to a car, and we drove somewhere i didn't know
we crossed a street
we entered a building, and climbed some stairs,
i stepped in a puddle of hot water on the way
she had me take off my clothes and then i was sat down in a hot tub

with my pantyfold on i sat in the water and strove to totally relax mine limbs. and they started tingling a little. we had sex in the hottub, which i always thought was impossible because the water drains the pussygrease and general body lube. no problem here. rather, the heat got to me like i was going to pass out from stroking, my loose balls floating and swinging loosely back and forth in the hot water as she sat so nicely on me

remember kids, i'm blind

and she rubbed my back and we showered and she lead me out into the bathroom and held my johnson as i peed standing up and i think it all went in the bowl but i was blind and you know not steering your weiner is like the end of control

but i was so relaxed and happy to be thought of and planned for

she drove more with a blindman up a hill to a cliff and removed my wet pantyhose so i might behold an orange explosion on my eyelids when i contacted the sun with my retinas still unrevealed. and when my eyes came open i saw the bay area laid before me like an urban plan utopia bridges and sparkling movement

we walked through a botanic garden
it was nicest weather - sun like the california brochure said

she drove herself to finish editing her movie at FAF and I let my birthday reflection dwindle into a bombing beauty as cnn green night scope highlighted the everyday painmaze of ordinary bagdadians. what a scene - waking up to an airstrike. and now that my mother lovingly subscribed me to the new york times i know almost more about this than any one person should want. between the cigar and now the purity of essence, there is some embarassingly extreme activity taking place on the national stage. the times runs a three line banner headline each day and all of our institutions seem up for grabs and the times is no better than matt drudge, it's just more of him. it's no different than any other day and age. so my secret for reading news and not losing my head to implosion is to detatch from events particular and place everything in as broad or abstract a framing as possible. or look for the other side of each issue. actually matt drudge has gotten harder to read like that - at least the new york times, their "objectivity" provides slightly greater challenge for bias hunting.

so i reflect on my path, now i begin my 25th year. and as amy took care of me, invited me to a dinner secret actually attended by 12 beautiful surprise guests who would all eat sushi, i had little to do but wear a new suit and smile - i love everybody.

i met a young dude on the sidewalk, i've been neighborly to him before - he walks his big dog, but somehow today between my 93 year old neighbor mary who lives alone advising me on trimming my grapefruit trees, and eric with his rottweiler/german shephard mix, we came to know each other better. he wants to start a computer game company. i'm game.

so i feel more local than usual, because i have slightly more chosen my scene, and just sitting in my house all the time makes the encounters i do have seem far more selected or just sparse and so more charged. still i long to return to the computer, my lost entry from december 13 alludes to my operating system switching and DSL problems. problems is all relative.

not being paid after you buy your own ticket to scandinavia to speak at a goverment funded conference sucks ass. especially when the fee you expect is about equal to 3/4 your credit card bill.

but i like my friends and they all seem smart and now and then little ideas drift through for appropriate collaboration and i look forward to those days and they are here now.

and now comes the holidays as usual, but since i am become so homey - i mean i have three operating systems on my desk - mac, win98, and linux and enough speed to kill a good horse and so i cook and i relax about wondering if i should be putting this suit to better use - looking for a job. job. job.

why not just collaborate? i notice myself developing increasingly expensive taste as i age. expensive like i want good produce, or nicer clothes or comfortable living. is this a phase? or do i have to work harder to support silly habits? like sushi.

i stay up until my eyeballs sing for sleep crooning with closing lips, come to mamababybear