tuesday 19 september
monday 18 september
There's an entire level of relationships that are possible with anyone.
It's that point at which eye contact sustained too long turns into potential
sweaty visions of
late nights with
morning breath of
grasping breasts of
new skin on yours
and i'm tired
my soul longs
my mind turns to chance encounters with fantasy
that woman could in the course of our normal business
unclasp her bosom and make wanton to me
i could, during this large company meeting
pull out my dick and pleasure myself
and wouldn't that be strange
no in fact it's a sign i need to have more sex
and Amy has by her own admission lost interest in general
although tonight she both
asked "would you mind if I had an affair with my freshman year boyfriend?"
and said, "I wouldn't mind if you had sex with other people"
we're each so comfortable sleeping in our own scene
her moving out has lead me to much work
and even less sex
so i'm starting to unpack my black book of my mind
remember the pussy i chased in my fleeting dreams the last four years
wondering where are they now
remembering that I work with few available
culling the intense lonliness and adventure of any other way to meet women
so at once I'm glad I have some kind of friendship with a kickass cat like egg
and excited that i can leave any conversation open to end in bed
and soberiety reigning remembering how much it sucks to have a conversation like this
night after night
with your web site.
besides, fernando can't contain my physical urges.
(Amy+Me photos from Wayne Gracias).
Amy has me take the Color Quiz; here's my results:thursday 7 september
Your Existing SituationSo does this explain everything?
Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.
Your Stress Sources
Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which he imposes of himself or by his own choice and decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
The situation is preventing him from establishing himself, but he feels he must make the best of things as they are. Very exacting in the standards he applies to his choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in his sex life.
Your Desired Objective
Needs release from stress. Longs for peace, tranquillity, and contentment.
Your Actual Problem
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace. [uh what?]
I notice Amy is responsible for much of my modern musical stuff. Besides my own interest in electronica, she's turned me on to Mary Timony, Blonde Redhead, the Breeders, Cat Power, Le Tigre. Modern music made with smart women.sunday 3 september
* * *i'm remaking myself into a new man. i do bicycle exercises (like situps but with legs in motion) in the mornings. yogurt and granola are top on my shopping list. i sit around naked most of the time. i write at least an hour a day.
some of these things i did when i lived with amy. indeed, there was nothing to stop me from doing them. but the pleasure of her company, and conversation and activities between the two of us took up so much of my time - living alone reminds me of a whole different side of myself. i'm still waiting for the lonliness backlash, but until then i'm rather enjoying being single!
it's not that i haven't seen amy - last night i brought some thai take-out from Bangkok Palace to her loft. The couch and chairs were covered in tarps, and everything else in dust. They're still home-building - painting, putting up walls, buying silverware. She mentioned that she missed the teas and tea equipment I have at the house.
We took a moment to lay with each other, and smelling her, touching her flesh, it was deeply nice. but I was still eager to get back to my schedule. I'm really trying to live a structured life to write. write write write.
we're loosely planning a vacation together. we chat during the day.
she wanted to move out to get some space, to make art, some more open frontiers away from domesticity. I guess I've gotten the better part of the deal in the first week, because I don't have to build a new home for myself, so I've been able to take my former-relationship time and devote it to my craft. Amy's been picking out shades of paint, calling carpenters, trying to find the right kind of storage for her things. it's a lot of work.
I realize now that it took 18 months for the place i live in to feel like home. once we got a nice big couch, that really made it comfortable. Amy took that couch. i was sad, i'll have to find another couch. still, it's nice, the place i live.
otherwise i talk to the cat a lot. and i'm naked a lot. i don't feel bad when i'm playing games. i don't talk about my thoughts, i write them down, because the cat doesn't care.
the bedroom took the worst of it. while the house at large is suffering mostly from unusually open spaces and dislocated mail piles, the bedroom.
the bedroom is unended clothes, a desk gone awry, it's sawhorse support gone. half-filled trashbags with valuable items inside sit next to empty suitcases. a computer is gone but the ethernet cord is still ready for connection. one digital clock has been moved into the room recently, it flashes a time off by some hours.
the bed is for fernando only - unslept in by humans in days, it's a pile of clothes, a robe, some trash bags and pillows - a roost for a king cat. he slept there in the afternoon sun.
i came upon this room intending to make it right again. but i need my old partner to scrape out her traces she's left behind - they form an impermeable shield, because the chaotic state reminds me closely of the room before she left.