Justin Hall's personal site growing & breaking down since 1994

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August 2011 Archives

Lifetime to lose

My first marriage ended months ago
email threads gone cold
empty chat windows
maybe one phonetext last month:
clearing a shared storage space

This morning I woke up after hours of fighting with her
Whilst on stilts climbing over a fast decaying house
A friend suggested
These nocturnal struggles should remind me
how much happier I am now

Four of the last five nights
In different beds in different countries
I wake from dreams full of fresh fighting
alone but estranged

I hitched my veins to her heart
She cut them quicker than I could reel them back
bleeding behind me
I trudge into a future where sure
I feel judged
inadequate for the long haul

At night a bachelor
I slumber and cry out to her;
I have something to prove
I should not have been thusly ditched!

by daylight I remember This is
not a warm battle This is
not a compelling cause
I have been happily abandoned -
she's in a better place

my father Wesley first taught me deep loss
a living being leaving
another behind
though by gun
not lawyer

He and my first wife knew
there's a better choice for them:
to exist without me.
Why wasn't I allowed to help them stay?
How should I orient my life without these kin?
Why would people I love prefer to be
or not be, without me?

We enter life full of faith
We are taught suffering
Maybe it's easier to leave
Shoot yourself
But I remember love

These night dreams won't let me move on
As fast as I would
Find a new person with whom to tie up this bleeding
And prepare for another lifetime to lose!


Thanks Steve Rhodes - from @tigerbeat on Instagram
June 2012 dancing in the streets of San Francisco with Ilyse Magy, photo thanks Steve Rhodes on instagram!

Hi, I'm Justin Hall and this here is a personal web site I've used to chronicle my time on earth since 1994. The content on the front page is relatively recent; if you search through the archives, you'll find old pieces of Justin. Some folks have indexed my doings on Wikipedia.

Twitter: jah
Facebook: Justinreach

eBooks by Justin Hall

I've published books for sale, somewhere else online! Behold:

Now available for the Kindle: A Story of GameLayers. My experience being CEO of a tech company, 2007-2009:

"A tell-all story of a startup from the very beginning, with lots of info about real-world fundraising. A more intimate look than you'll find in other business reads." says Irene Polnyi in a 5-star review on

A Story of GameLayers, for the Amazon Kindle.