14 november 1996

nov 14

today was this day

I wrote this leading up to launch of eminds:
looking through old mail reminds me I want to be as great as my father reading through his formal and informal correspondence, on legal blue carbon sheets filed office relics of a dead man either responding to city official ineptitude or encouraging and informing friends there's something so wonderful about that record I hope someone goes through my mail someday tries to understand who I was

today I was set aside for wandering meditation retreat
specifically hiking near san francisco, finding a stick whittling it

no technology, no communication
chanelling, wet ground, wet cheeks and talking to the sky
sleepin the wilds
and return for the eminds launch party

can you guess which of those I did?

well, for one thing, yesterday I stayed up til 4.30am talking to minx and rose this sacred day with tar in my head
ug
morning time christiana advises against my wanderings
and wonders what I've done with my ideas
she's not gentle, but she's secure, firm direct
and charts me through some waters -

what was his name?
wesley gibson hall
say his name.
wesley gibson hall

first it had power, now it sounds hollow
because I don't know him

I'll call him wes instead

that's what his friends call him
that hurts, I never knew him that way either.

so perhaps a better way to celebrate my dad when I'm this strung out is to approach normalcy and happiness myself; get ahead on the shit I'm behind on
dedicate it to him
that sense of joy perhaps, and my accomplishment and resulting togetherness a potential remedy for his lack of self held together in life and so suffering in the lifehereafter

and some of my lonliness might result from disconnection from both parents - musing that my mom hasn't dealt with his death because she is retiscent to speak of him, and so perhaps do I remind her of him? in those less than perfect moments

so I go home and go sleep
(not before I whistle to myself "los angeles" by X and realize I want the cd of the tape I used to have and went to the store and found it used on sale)
I sleep for many hours. I wake up. I go to work. at work, I talk to no one. I fax things to mom. I call a dentist. I write some e-mail.
it is late, and near the party hour. I didn't get much done, but I felt better for sleeping.

here's from my journal (with added paragraph breaks and links):
Eminds launch party after aborted Dad day - only Christiana, sleep and some past due tasks. Small + friendly - Barbara my date is bubbly - is she marriage material for C? Comfort critical. Kathleen on hand, super sass just so fuckin' adversarial - vjim observes that "she would fuck the shit out of you - she'd rip you to shreds and you'd love it." Prone am I to suggestion. T-Ruth reading of her own cards re: my next year future
me - baby
eminds - fool - jumping and landing okay
college - new suit - change of suit Eminds winddown near 10 - no dancing indeed party talk and intro + kibbitz urged me swiftly toward the bar

something I hate about socializing - when I reach the point where I have to drink to stand it. either be comfortable where you are, but don't drink to be comfortable. maybe I shouldn't go to parties where I have to drink to have a bearable time.

- first wine then beer then shared mixd drink w/ Rebecca then beer then kahlua at Cyborganic - wellness formula + water between. Howard in Bangkok tailored gold suit said my father would have been proud, as a father himself, of my christiana inspired toast-towards group energy for Dad.

christiana and I worked a bit on a toast to conduct the folks at the party to ease my sense of dis-honour towards partying on his death; for one thing, celebrate life in his honour and so did I raise my bottle and ask those around to bow their heads for a moment to conduct silence and spirit out towards my dear old deceased dad, and all those not otherwise present

VJim is a nice partner for evening going Kathleen is fierce - bitter looking teeth. Greek food.

[that wasn't great greek food, that was lousy persian food. - mark]

Telling folks that I know Barb through her boyfriend and disappointing them. To HardWired. too loud. lightsticks + Condoms - promo goods. Jeff Veen writes a book on HW style Jessica Halgren parties. Chance running into Swattie Kathrine McGuiness. White leather lower Haight castoff seemingly pocketless coat w/ electric tape eminds logo affixed I wear. To TND - Amy holding court - Ellen's B'Day PJ party. Dom tackles + wrestles me boysish. w/ alcohol I am more accomodating but Christiana this morn gave me large faith to hold and persue my pace + place - ie Amy VJim playing Jory's porto-scrabble - during drunk hold forth I talk w/ Steve re: eMinds critique instead of patronizing drunk fumblings - felt perhaps formalist but more stimulating + where I wanted to be - also talking w/ Mary Dowd of Inet Alfredo thinks that my presentation in Tuesday class should be "vulnerable" centric - since that's my success locale. I want to think more towards accomodating folks w/ more insecurity or practical concerns but I can see her point to be zealous in expounding what has worked for me - indeed perhaps prescribing that for others as a means to success in maybe worldly ventures. Kathleen talking potential eMinds PR sez I am a "train wreck online." Amy + I shared sustained hugs - she was tipsy - stuck her head in my neckish - got to be a gentleman, blamed my departure on Rebecca ride. She is hungry herself and I don't want to be simply eaten. Some distance + restraint tonight was strengthening + instructive.

this is another christiana insight, some discussion on my part and integrity enforcement on hers. amy has a boyfriend, in another city. she and I seem drawn to each other. while she is committed to this fellow, her boundaries are fluxy. I don't want to be a second stringer, I don't want to sow seeds of discontent. so I have to draw lines and stand strong and honour her committment. because how would I feel if it happened to me? I haven't had sex since august or so, I can wait. can't I?

we stopped by the dwindled hardwired party before home. the hardwired books were in plexiglass cases with holes in them so you could reach through and manipulate the pages without breathing on them or stealing them. it was late. the cases were openish. "should I steal one?" I asked rebecca and steve - they did for me.

Rebecca's ride finished w/ teary reflection + rambling - I think she extends herself expecting something or just simply extends herself too far. Most people do not. Better to dole out your kindness sparingly and save bitterness and burnout.

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