Justin Hall's personal site growing & breaking down since 1994

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Amy Page

nov 9:
a year ago, in my life,

hard to believe easy to love la la la

nov 11:
a year ago, in our life

hard to believe they're out of business

nov 14:
14 years ago, in his life

easier to accept his death every year

eggzerps from november 7

times when i tell amy of chicks in backless dresses
who curl me in their tendriffic tresses
she gives me leave to go and play
run along, she sez, make yer way.

but i don't know how i'm sposed to feel
i'm in love with her, and that's just my deal.

but still i drink and mingle with the best
parties aplenty here, and i love breasts
but i don't want to cross my babe

i love her, straight up.

so maybe she's trying some reverse sycologee
so i'll think only of her, and i'll touch only me.

as cabaret five winds down i'm watching it for my third time, now next to a vietnamese catholic girl whom i lured into this realm of lies and deciets because she's a sophomore and never been to a arty party
the show is over beautiful people are dancing free
i am fighting the greatest spiritual war of my relationship with amy
i mean
the toughest time of our relationship just happened in my head

like there's so many times to share
and none are happening now only email and so much mediated love
but i do love her
and i want to be with her and times like this one i am writing about positively rend me times
oh lordy.
if i can decide she's perfect, and everything has,
everything has decided she's perfect
but here i am alone in my chair with so many pieces of amy dancing around me and none are the whole hole i love and hold and squeeze and cum inside and dream about finally
so i contemplate an end to the suffering
sometimes when i get this depressed i think about killing myself
now i think about killing us

i let catherine laine invite me to dance
she thanks somebody for the opportunity to get to be with me
she's so suffused with joy and such a fun dancer
i leave myself a little
and begin to dance
the music doesn't matter
i'm beginning to drift out of my head
and somewhere, away from catherine, away from amy, away from some skin that doesn't tempt me but provides a conceptual first destination cumhole after my sorting soothed severance
i realize that what i might be studying (or making i later wonder wander alone away from the party, free to leave by a lightening of my depression that started with dancing
and ended with realizing that i'm studying the popular gospel
and then it comes again
the memory that amy is the best possible partner in that study
and i am again standing on faith in love
i leave the party first old club to ascend stairs i call her from a not-yet-broken phone
leave her a message
because i feel i've come to learn and i'm writing this while i haven't yet checked voice or email because i want to honour my feelings without checking hers but i write this still from my intuition
i've seen that her feelings mirror mine and when i leave us and wander alone depressed i find her having felt the same way like either we're pulling on each other or the moon pulls us both
and so i suggested to reach a hand into her possible quicksand that i have been there for the last half hour the worst of our relationship for me and if you were there i want you to know that i came through it and even though some part of my gut scares me with the conception that she might have just broken me out of her chest i will say this that she amy you are the smartest woman i know. and i love you.