Old Notes:monday 23 october
saturday 14 octoberJustin and I had sex this weekend, even though we're seperated. I was quite pleased with his performance; I think he has been asking people for advice on technique. He wouldnt have breakfast with me the next morning though, because he wanted to make it strictly a business meeting. Really, he is trying to keep me hungry.
your friend, egg.
Shh, no talking.tuesday 10 october
Ever since that first night I met her, I loved talkin' to Amy. I miss that so much, now that we're trying to be trial separated. She's been my conversation partner for years. I've had no one else I share so much with. It's strange not calling her to see what's going on, to tell stories, and to talk ourselves back into each other's beds.
But there's things I remember about the last few weeks of talking - it wasn't easy. It often broke down. One of our last few days we went to the Heard Museum of Native American Art. I learned that some Native tribes used to tie a couple's hair together when they got married. Well I guess in our case, our hair was tied together and it was starting to pull as we went in separate directions. So now we've got clippers and scissors and give ourselves new dos. Maybe we'll have enough hair to tie back together, or maybe I'm gonna grow dreadlocks again, with the pieces from a few different heads in there.
Part of our talking problem is that she doesn't take much interest in the world of video games, in fact she actively avoids it. (though I think she'd appreciate the visual quality of Sacrifice which I was playing last night). I guess I have to make an effort to break video games down for her so she appreciates it. But that's a lot of energy - she's never stepped up to really see what it is that I care so much about. Shit, I've gone to more art films and art shows with Amy, because I wanted to learn about what she's into. I have to pull all sorts of shit to get her to even glance at what I'm dealing with.
I guess when you stop having energy to do that, it's when you've lost. Or maybe I just have a hobby I'll keep to myself. The alternative might be living with a woman like Stevie Case. She's a game-maker, game-player, and she's taken some pride in her sex-symbol qualities. I was reading her boyfriend John Romero's web page last night, and some of it's a gadget fest. If I had a straight up game-lovin' techno-lustin' little lady I might spend more time in a world of shallow stimulation, more time than I already do at my job.
So it's the deep stimulation I miss about Amy. But hey, I don't want to talk to her if I stress her out. I'm going to make myself strong for whoever is on their way. For the next few days/weeks, it looks like I'm the only one that's coming.
(that last quality link from wb)
Nights of Longing at Links from the Undergroundsunday 1 october
Now I come home from work, groceries in hand. I uncork some wine. Fernando the cat has exploding ass, so he's been exiled while I cook. He's pawing at the door and plaintively moaning while I'm listening to young Johnny Mathis begging for love. I'm drinking wine out of a clear glass with little white flowers on it, and I'm cooking beans and greens to fill the new pack of freezer bags I have ready for many bachelor nights ahead.
Amy and I are trial separated, something like that. Basically, even on vacation this weekend I drove her nuts, overplanning, underromancing, exerting practicality reminiscent of living with parents. Then I smile while she's indicting me. Everything just seems so funny then, human foibles on display, and I love listening to her; I can't help but smile. Strange to find the woman I love saying I'm too removed and irksome. But I love her still and the flame I hold for that woman will burn on through these nights of Mathis alone and cooking for one, until she's calmed down enough to recognize that I am the best love on her horizon, or until I meet some other cutie that can keep me awake. Maybe she'll beat me to it. I feel very deeply for Amy, so much tenderness as she leaned over next to me on the plane, I could feel her little hand jerk just a little as the sleep hit, she always twitches when she begins to sleep.
I wonder how to restart romance. I've had advice from some good friends. But I feel like I'm in an organic love that shouldn't need hormones or antibiotics. I could put more effort in, always, but at this point, time with me drives Amy nuts so distance seems appropriate. Free free.
Meanwhile, Fernando paws at the door. Last night he woke me up in the middle of the night to let out a low stuttering meowrl and shit liquid on to my new blanket I bought to warm my body solo sleeping. Last time this happened the doctor recommended Fernando purge the intestinal haywire from his body through fasting, so now the cat is locked in the kitchen, shitting on newspapers and begging for food constantly. It's really not as depraved around here as it sounds. I'm playing Baldur's Gate, which is a great game, and reading Hyperion, which is so far a fantastic novel. I just hooked up the CED player in my office so I can watch/listen to Richard Pryor Live in Concert repeatedly. I'm mediating myself. It's like medicating but you trade long term physical problems for mental ones.
visiting vegan reiki polyamorous ecstacy advocates of san francisco
I was over at Amy's house sitting around with her roommates. We were going to try to get some love going between us, some couple-time. elly called and after our plans to visit a strip club fell through, she and steve5 decided to pay us a visit.
After Amy and I fell into a heated argument about who had invited them over and what had happened to our alone time together, we welcomed our guests and retreated to the roof, where Amy laid out a thai mat and we sat on pillows and catched up on our lives. Steve5 has been volunteering for Dance Safe, which manages drug safety and information for raves and dances. While it's strong to be helping people party safe, I wonder if there aren't more important causes? Then two days later I hear on the radio that five teens died recently from fake ecstacy taken at a dance party, so I'll shut up about what causes are worthy or not.
Elly had just returned from travelling abroad, and we talked about her time there. She's in a steady relationship now so we talked bout relationships some, and talk turned to Amy's feelings of sexlessness, which she'd shared over a mailing list that day. Jim had offered to help her get over her lustless feelings, and Steve and Elly began to talk about some of the poly-amory and open relationships our friends in San Francisco are enjoying.
Since grade school I've been a quiet proponent of orgies. Groups of guys and gals getting together, taking their clothes off, and stimulating each other can be a wild experience. It didn't happen to me nearly enough at Swarthmore, and when I moved to San Francisco I didn't delve into the sex scene much because I didn't feel up to being a boytoy for bearish men.
Now that some of our friends have aged into steady one-on-one relationships they're preserving their youthful libidos by sleeping around and going to sex parties. This is the lifestyle I was so curious about when I was nineteen and twenty, living in the city itself. I didn't have a partner to swap, but I did have a large dreadlock on top of my head. Somehow it didn't come together for me.
So Steve5 said he might take me to some parties where I could meet casual sex, and there was some speculation about which of our friends might be good for a lack of committment. I observed that nearly all of my active female friends are Amy's cohort from college, which could make for wartorn flings. Otherwise, I remember a recent Nelson Algren quote I read,
"Never play cards with any man named 'Doc.' Never eat at any place called 'Mom's.' And never, never, no matter what else you do in your whole life, never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own."So I mentioned what I wasn't sure if I want to start exchanging fluids and warts with people who are into easy sex. But hey, I'm an open-minded guy, who's curious and excitable. Amy gave a sort of a go-ahead to some sexual dalliance since she feels sexless and I'm ready to go, but she can't see that polyamory is sympatico with serious partnerships. Maybe we should do some reading. My sense of polyamory is tainted by the occasional television snippet from some swingers convention in Reno and various paperback books from the 70s that pronounce "swinging" the new way to be happy. Swinging ain't new. New to me, I guess, like thrift store clothes.
Elly laid Amy and I out for our first touch of Reiki. She measured our energy fields by holding her hands above our bodies. When she noticed energy imbalances in our chakras, she held her hands over that spot and conducted energy into them, or out of them. My stomach gurgled when she hovered over it. She said my recent outcroppings of zits were signs of digestion problems.
Whatever Elly did to Amy seemed to help - she said Amy's upper chakras were strong, and her lower chakras were closed and low and undernourished or something. Maybe she opened them up or something - after Elly left, I was able to move a nearly-asleep Amy from her apartment back to my house to sleep over for the first time since she moved out, and then the next morning she put my hand on her breast which was the start of a weekend of sexual feelings. Whee! Too busy having love now with my number one stunner to bother chasing down loose girlies.
So thank you visiting vegan reiki polyamorous ecstacy advocates of san francisco, you improved our love life!
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