18 oct 1996

oct 18
morning sees christiana
and I'm wakened from my pain
she helps lift the sleepless haze
thoughts again in my brain
why am I so alone
it's the same old rant
at times it's longing
projected all that I am not or have not
onto a femme
whichever is in front of me
it's like social leprosy
pieces of yourself falling into people's laps
rather unattractive
and disembodying
"that's how sorcerers lose their power
they spread it around to other people
and then they try to chase those people to get back what they have in them
like her son lorenzo
eight years old
he is a playboy
on the beach, throwing pebbles
ignoring a girl
she moves closer, he moves far away
he is attractive unattainable
but his is not a game, he is truly elsewhere
me I'm for now happy with the farce
for one, easier to bear without the hair load
I can play more cognito
and in so doing observe with disinterest the needs of those relative strangers around me

not andre though
andre's staying at the halfway house
they're having fried chicken tomorrow night
he hates it there though,
he has to go to group all the time
he's been dreaming of giant bowls of marijuana
he gets high, and his eyes quiver rapidly
"like being over intoxicated"
he offers me eight dollars in food stamps for my dsf apple giveaway watch

before I got on that bus
christiana left this
you say you are espiritual
practice your faith!
which means belief in the universe
chance walk into goodwill, rainy weather bald head hat seeking
on the third rack noticed in front a pair of purple jeans
just my size
rock and roll
rock on
and hats, down the street,
socks, shirt and jacket
a new justin layers
perfect appropriate, cheap

I walk into media central
electric minds
have my staff photo taken
with and without glasses
within two minutes,
and miked up and on camera within seven
blah blah blah
get excited, talk fast,
vjim sez "I give good copy"
maybe I'll try talking slower sometime.
mark did, he's more gradual
until I looked at him sounded wavering
but he responds well to focus, attention and laughter
he builds to a steady stream of appreciative flow
he's a vision person

not like marisa -
with greg, the two "interactive public relations" agents
fuck pr
don't ask me for shit

their job is to make the site get hits
"so randy makes money"

that's all they care about
at least they were honest

and so was I
what is electric minds
they focus grouped us
blah blah blah

"the blood sweat and semen of people I love."

I raised my camera to take a photo of the pr lady
marisa of irpi
she gave me a grinning middle finger
I didn't camera catch it

but I did catch this
I'm supposed to say "the social web"
a lot
because we're pioneering it
it's part of our brand building
"the social web"
howard explains it better than she does

as delivery mechanisms go,

he's cherry cough syrup to her suppository
the social web is the transition of web from publishing to many to many communication
ahhh, that's better
than randy's money
she threatens,
you know, if you're just another web site
people won't come back
fuck off.
I don't work this hard on just another web site
anyways, even if all our pr falls flat,
we could still evolve into something great.
but as abbe observes,
the mass she targets is not the peers of our concern
we can't sound stupid for them
jim race leans to me
hasn't she heard public enemy?
she sez
"we've all drank the koolaid"
describing the cult this is
howard sez,
a good thing you guys stopped when you did
or the rest of us would have been skeletons

she's a bulldog

and so are you.

meanwhile I sent that above to scooter, he responds
>i see you are angry. everyone knows pr sucks. its a sloppy hand job.

and then he sez
fuck you quoting out of context

something like that

nonfiction is making stuff up that's true - howard
after that bullshit antagonist archtype drama
the mood is levity
howard gathers us to hang out in the big room
a moment with our leader
it's nice
he's a nice guy
human
and appreciative
distractable
the purpose of the meeting is media education
how to pitch
we proceed to grill howard on the company
so you're a community,
are you the well?
you talk about technology,
how is that different from c|net?
he does pretty well
he's had a lot of practice
we absorb the media mantras far better than marisas anal repressive delivery
heck, even randy agreed that calling ourselves the "only" anything is absurd.
he wouldn't put it qute that way

howard and I dinner at cosmopolitain
new yoopie joynt on 3rd, near the trees to be heard
drink drinks of that name
the drinks are strong strong
put a pleasant haze over everything
howard made a promise to my mother
back at hotwired
that he would send me back to college
this is like old yeller or something
he really really believes in committments like that
he can't let my mother down
it really troubles him
but it troubles him more, perhaps
because he says he'd hate to lose me
the mood would suffer,
and the project in mind is exciting
really, when I first met howard, I thought
someone should write this guys biography
perhaps,
but really, someone should collect this guy's stories
he is a digital chronicler of the first order
fun, coherent, and socially conscious.
fuck yeah.
so I want to build or design or implement or shepherd or actively witness a hypermedia structure for the collection and dissemination of those elements, and what they inspire
he likes the idea too,
and I told him tonight, he can't do it if I leave
he wants me to do it
well, it seems like I have focus and direction
that's admirable
howard laments that I won't be learning french poetry and buddist ethics
I can go to the public library
he laments I'll miss the community of scholars
heck, maybe if this is such a good idea, it can will wait.
or maybe it will evolve
talking about negociating abbe's contract
she's ruthless
she defends her territory her boundaries like no one else
"or I'll walk" she sez
that's inspiring

our waiter was a 6'5" gay black man who speaks mandarin chinese
he relates several incidents
giving directions to completely frightened chinese ladies on the street here
and walking across tienamen square in a full body black cat suit
"there's nothing like being a 6'5" gay black man who speaks mandarin chinese honey"
wow.
he urges me to go back to college.
he went at 31, when he was ready to learn
still, I should go now
whatever.

to keep his cholesterol down
howard has given up butter
and stuck with it
congratulations
that's cool.

with howard to the ted nelson lecture
howard wrote the program notes
I introduce howard to carl
he sez, his body posture exudes one who's had that attitude bred into them as well as nurtured and rewarded
they're handing out free wireds
there's a josh quittner "embarassing blowjob of the [suck] guy's who gave him the finger"
and ted opens his talk chastising
"mired waggazine" piece

that was funny

bang zoom
kind of downhill from there

I mean, he set the tone
personal, times shrill, underlying brilliance
a bit on the dark side of the moon
not evil just out there

I mean out there
it's unclear what he's invented or developed or responsible for
a book never written on combat driving
which was coopted by another author
he surmises
after he lectured a driving class on another coast
what the fuck
and top ten reasons the mac

insert extensive handwritten notes here

I follow to the reception
dj josh of hotwired past is there
djing friday nights now
someone I barely met asks me to explain howard and electric minds to some strangers
I use the term the social web, and explain that too
and explain that howard was born in arizona,
a land locked state
that's why he doesn't like seafood
(or maybe it's partially cancerous)
someone I meet there wants to introduce me to ted
she lived next to him - sausolito houseboat neighbors
I rap to him fast
he absorbs it all without a beat missed
I think he thought my life on the web sounded interesting
he is waiting to create
because he promised he wouldn't make until he had the right tools
wow.
then I mention swarthmore
he opens a little more
recommends it highly
his last two years there being the best
sorry he dropped honours
relished that time in his life
I ask to take an epicture with the two of us
he asks me to esend him an ecopy

photo by ian mcfarland
it's too crowded, too many people want to talk to him
now if I sit next to him at a bar in tokyo,
I'll recognize him and we can go from there.

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