Justin Hall's personal site growing & breaking down since 1994

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nov 17


amy sez I'm not touching a computer while I'm here so this is from my notebook

so the rain comes again and long sundays never leaving bed, lunch brought by "women's college" lesbians, interrupted only by the occasional phone. But really it's just us two, and a boyfriend of distorted proportions - he occupies a space of prevention perhaps, she surmises - growth and she wants me.

she wants neither me to stop her from seeing him
nor him to prevent her from seeing me

I alternate between steady sobriety and aforementioned cadavar positioning
or the stroking breathing cheek to cheek temptation and hard on and behind the knees. she is so beautiful

[do you really want to hear this? she thinks I'm corny. and dorky. and creepy. she calls me to hear my voice, can't get enuf of that dorky nasally stuff before bed monday - Editor.]
and kissing at times so natural
like looking or leaning
but we debate between sex as severance restraint for weeks, not seeing each other as tension as we play with each other.

and it is sunday, and we have spent the day on bed

we didn't kiss. not in the bed all day, we rolled around skin to skin and talked and compared. but did not even come really close to wet sharing.

more and more I was become convinced that the sex hunger is too great and once in some major portion sassified would be guilt or recrimination or dissatisfaction or usury ridden

4.30 she turns on kind of blue and reads me from ecclesiastes
she plays me bill evans, kind of blue from a panasonic childhood shitty tape deck
crazy class.

my swollen testes,
she "the first woman with blue balls.

early relating, so many points of agreement:

we both wrote papers in school in prostitution in thailand
she's thai, some half, quarter irish, quarter british

we share the ; semicolon favourite punctuation mark

we're both spending thanksgiving in chicago

she will be visiting her boyfriend

the obvious physical need presented by blue balls + desire versus noticing need for physical affirmation
it is already as howard calls judy, "his addiction"
you still like me? I'm asking if I over frustrated her
so I'm asking if I frustrate her? jesus.
that's accelerated

she is taking photos of me

half naked, taking notes,
bible adorns

a woman who resonates with creative mojo has good partner potential
makes stuff
and photos together I laugh a lot with her

she has a damn wide grin
smalls her eyes and shapes her face

she calls me "creepy"

I'm trying to note the little and the big,

just note
I lament early days largely unrecorded
early poems about chandra, I knew everything.

reading the bible takes mind off stiff nuts
still in bed

she finds my physical and facial humour more funny than my verbal wordwit.
we reach quite a heat and passion and finally avoid more than lip rubbing until she showered we share some scant smooch

but there is work to be done, and now out of bed clothing limits

and still restraint

friends headed to thai food
we are already natural
between making fun of each other, carrying on, telling stories together of our brief shared reality
we make a good team
I am pleasantly surprised

that was fast


she exposes me to a mills tv ritual xfiles
my first viewing of this well followed show - pretty much sucked
ponderous presumptous tedius and tenuous
I mean the episode had the word "musings" in the title
x-philes tell me they are usually better.
the only good thing was the apocalypse now direct quoting in the first scene
I've seen that movie so many times I knew the dialog mostly by heart

we rent casino, no one else is staying

ryan and kara a bit
the couch to ourselves we beneath a blanket meld
caught close and cuddling by margie, jonathan, ellen

it is late, we break the movie and return to bed
I realize late that I have christiana in the morn
she has class and work and

so we retire
cast the i ching before hand

without going into spiritsharing detail, I think it affirmed our wetness waiting
(13 becomes 41)

we're laying on each other briefly before bed must come for some sleep

am I a wicked sinner? I ask
because I am have some slight trouble kissing her, thinking about her boyfriend
and she says she will not tell him yet
she will wait for seeing him - the phone don't work
I've always encouraged truthtelling but this is indecipherable
I can't insist or imagine their communicate
so I abdicate, and begin to sleep
she is laying to me left, playing her fingers over my chest and face
I descend to doze and wake with her nails pinching my nose tip
I wake say huh?
she apologizes profusely, like caught
immediately rolls over on her side and falls silent
I can't figure to laugh or what
but on my side having trouble sleeping,
what was she doing?

I rise to set a second alarm to assure wakeup
she rises some "did I hurt you? I'm so sorry!"

like guilty
I'm stuck wondering if she was working some kind of ritual or magic with my sleeping nasal extremity

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