november 17

i've been having a lot of trouble lately "trying to figure out what i do"

i mean i think i feel like i'm supposed to have a job.

hmmm, but i'm so good at having a job! hah hah hah hah hah

so then i think, okay so i probably can't expect to work for just any company right now, i mean if it's web stuff, i have to believe in it, or at least have friends involved, and if it's not web stuff, it's not coming to me.

so then i think, i should be self starting, and kickstart my speaking career/freelance writing career, strategic consulting, some shit

today's top ten searches on justin's links: horiscopes, sex, porno for pyros, cocaine, chemistry, chlamydia, picese, 1998, stephanie, prophesy deliverance an afro american revolutionary christianity

and then i read an interview with steve, and i talk to howard, and i get email from jeff,

and they all say find and work at what you love to do and what you're good at

and i think it's supposed to be hard or different from what i find myself doing every day while i'm waiting to find the other real thing i'm supposed to be doing

i can't sleep this morning, partially this and partially still recovering from a little tequila for ellen's birthday last night.

i love to make links! i am here! and bud.com is exciting! there are friends!

i have more than enough to fill my plate! and the stuff that pays and is exciting stems neatly from those heartfelt persuits

so i guess i will go ahead and try to think of myself as a web artist today, create what i need to, teach freely, rely on savings until either money comes or i have to ho

it's a nice feeling, to get past feeling guilty for not having a job, and then understanding i might have right livelihood.

although there was one job yesterday that sounded like a lot of fun, and an appropriate fit. i applied for that and another. too bad i listed howard as a reference! i hope he'll be kind.

yesterday was a heavier entry: november 145.