Justin Hall's personal site growing & breaking down since 1994

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12 February, 1996
in shamanism today:
the sacred is timeless
so should I not date everything definitely?

on the front page
I changed
Online since January '94!
online since before!

so teaching becomes
letting go ego -
that thing I love the most these days

web ethics class

to give the students what they want
I might have to give it up
as such an extension of myself -
sacrificing friends' readings,
broad scope
democratized structure
open assignments
and primary guidance informal moi

for respectability institutionale
their just reward

comes word
the course turned down for credit for
I am deemed
not responsible enough to handle it

cue baldie my reaction to that

cynically cast off
respect and understanding
"maybe if I cut my hair, got some nice clothes, took four courses"

mention of
widespread swarthmore uneasy
reaction to my publishing
judgement; libel and propriety

julia asked me if
hearing this
I self-doubted

nice thing about
spreading yourself so thin
enough positive feedback
from diverse sources
you feel mostly sorry
for folks

who diss
and miss
the chance to talk.
tiny chenny I could write an apologist explanation;
Chandra approved the contents of her page
I believe I am making a better world
by revealing myself

better to write something new
put it up for folks

who would read it closely,
and in dialogue with the author.

jack-off I resent being mistrusted

without direct communication
they didn't care to assess my committment to teaching
they knew I was a jack-off
and they left it at that

not effort but judgement

let that be a lesson to me

that I might not so mistreat.


I meet someone trapped between
other departments
their politics

power struggles never cease

out of these?

everyone thinks
they're doing their part.

sometimes I think

they'll regret it,
I'm going to be famous
this is an incredible opportunity

while there could be some truth in that pride

it holds no sway in this now

consider kinetic

not potential

I deflected ego and consternation
citing an appeal to the class

they decide

it's always possible to compromise

there are mediations
ways to make it work
our freedom has a price.

tiny rya I ran all this by Rya

who definitely wanted credit
but soon
a choice comes clear

I would have to get down off my cutting edge

to meet swat standards
and maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing
we'd learn something

fuck the system she said

fuck the system has a price
they probably won't support you on that one.

mistrust and compromise
heavy in my chest,
I sit to write
and sleep

an hour then,
I feel both more confused and comforted
I will still have means of giving to the world;
these are flow concerns
met, they increase awareness.

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