nov 16 early to the office, I am alone, I will work
I get e-mail from mark asking me to fax him some print outs from web pages
I'm not going to do that today
it's like the weekend dude.
I will end up here for 9 hours straight shooting html and jive talking of last night and thursday,this is another christiana insight, some discussion on my part and integrity enforcement on hers. amy has a boyfriend, in another city. she and I seem drawn to each other. while she is committed to this fellow, her boundaries are fluxy. I don't want to be a second stringer, I don't want to sow seeds of discontent. so I have to draw lines and stand strong and honour her committment. because how would I feel if it happened to me? I haven't had sex since august or so, I can wait. can't I?I chat some and call amy
I convince her to share sobriety tonight
kat's party I speak of thursday's qualms:
and so it comes that I have brought up sex between us straight away
though it was before unspoken it is now hanging between us hah
like no silence but pushing and temptation and admittance
to say we are not going to have sex is admitting we want totalking with her either way is fun
and she is confused
I am confused
there is no correct answerwe think about each other
I force her to make up her mind, talk about things she doesn't want
or rather, I think I do
hang up with amy
kathleen calls to apologize (again) for perhaps mistreating me in the midst of supposed misery on thursday
her pop web phrase - "in the future, everyone will be famous to fifteen people" so she doesn't care what my fifteen people think of her. what about people at work? "doesn't matter - they know I'm a shrew."
judah calls,
invites me to a rave
I invite him to kat's krazy party part twojust thinking about that convergeance is gleesome
(kat decided to get her breasts augmented.
she decided to have a party before and a party after.
the party before was the depths of dante
the party after is tonight.)
I try to mock up my eminds ideaian (prolly) moves neo to software development
but my stomach hurts and I realize again the scope of the problem
even if I limit my endeavor to a specific, existing text, containers pose a problem
when something is described in the course of something else
how do you excerpt the incidental and provide it both in the context of the larger story and a separate chunk?
server side includes will only go so far.
I conned amy into going to dinner with mefunny dialog with ian:
I thought
she was going to bring a $5 umbrella bought on 2nd street in new york
sure beats my $15 shoes
but she didn't show so I headed to kat's alone late
everything to eat was closed
I bought a bag of cashews and munched on party broccoli
I ate a lot of broccoli
"more interesting" and "no one will invest in a [web site] service company"so like marimba stuff? (since he's mr. java man)
yah.
gets past the long loading problem. so would java/marimba work for me since I'm doing mostly text?
not really.
you've done well with that old medium oh jeez, thanks -
me and kurt vonnegut stuck in old media
I'll be mister 1995 - handing out my URL to people who won't remember what it is
ian - yah, look at that guy with the URL, what a dork!
all that over "super! cheesy house" (marisa)
people didn't dance so much - the party was at cyborganic's cafe space, and the main room is too big for intimacy
any action is like a serious statement since it is impossible to avoid visual isolation of single elements moving against a warehouse backdrop
add relentless technological musicno nekkids, just kat, breathing pert breasted fire
kelly drapes herself loosely in saran wrap
joe lira is on spacebar
of course amy with whom is so often here as tho we're not actually speaking silent strangenesss - unsure how to handle in open terrainyou know, like those moments where you feel more intense with someone than superficial standing partytalk will endure
but you haven't had that chance to affirm or not your relation
something's transpiring both ways, verbally, publicly difficultI thought about writing a poem for my dad like this:
poem for my dad who strikes me similar to the pretty girl in the red dress across the dance floor with whom I want to speak but somehow can't get through to.but I didn't actually write the poem at the time, so I can't be sure.I think she wants to talk to me too.
so I dance a lot, try to make rhythm sense of vapid beats relentless.fun thing to do:vjim looks like Don Vagabond in all black strolling the party
age these folks until they are shrewish and bent and then laugh at this childhood along with them. I'm trying to judge amy's potency by her dancing shake
confidence comes through,
complexity? intuition - not thought-step.
not so much detail or immediate drama
nevertheless effective
I meet amy's friend tong su
tong su, take off your sweater
not wearing anything underneath
they'd all be looking at you
amy - yeah, all the fuckin' humberts in hereamy's wearing mango scent, enticing
in a red slip
|
up against a corner wall we sober few watch the traipsing trippers and puking drunks stagger by and beg us for brain candy
|
kara sits in front of amy
|
we entertain a few of them,rebecca asks major life lawyer questions, waits for the answers with a curled lip
and jeremy entertains us
he was born in february, but "his sun is actually in sagittarius.
uh huh
he's 19, married (pagan ceremony) with a kid
lives "in a cabin" the cabin is "on a lake"
he pays no rent, has no income
"country people help country people"
he approaches neighbors,
"gosh, rent is due and it is so much,
and they help him along
she drinks alcohol with upsidedown tootsie pop stirrers - adds sugar flavour
jeremy starts smoking a cigarette (disrespect indoors)November 17, 1996,
he sez it's alright
amy asks who he asked
he shrugs
I say, "none of that rent shit here"
he leaves. scribbling as I go, I finish a journal started on may 1 and start a new one
(whups, looks like it's already the next day)
|
in San Francisco for time length unknown, head largely shorn, mad amid the newfound young ergy pert vitality infused into Cyborganic. People are wearing tinfoil. Joe Lira caught? making out w/ a woman who just peed on herself - Georgia. Amy to the rescue. I preach compassion on deaf ears. Do only agressors end up needing compassion the most? The victims so naturally assume it. |
so by now things are dwindling,before I get in the car full girls and agro
my rides leave one by one
I am left with asking beleagured rebecca
or amy invites me to mills
"but we can't have sex" okay.
seth insists to give me "a ticket to the future"
girls and guys shivering in the rain
near four am
seth gives me a tape of a male indian madonna impersonator.
on a campus again, green and old and private
unlocked doors
narrow beds
she calls me a womanizer, because I've somehow talked my way into hers
all the while maintaining insistence on integrity and morality.I was a cadaver beneath her cool thighs
I wouldn't touch her willing next to me
until it is so late, I curl up behind her like a spoon
we sleep to a hug
but not before she rises to check a tape player
again to assemble a long discarded art project
picks up my journal to add
11/17/96 4:55 AM acrylic applied roughly a week before does not bleed after approximately 14 hours in indirect rain.
here I learned three things:
one, she has similar propensity for spontaneous art as ryafortunately though seemingly more ability to see beyond her navel two, I can't remember right now
three, she time stamped. I did that to my journal in ireland, I'm going to do it again.
hours elapse between entries. marking writing at 11 pm then 2 am has a certain power that a chronological whole digit elapsation of daze does not.
how could you do that online?
justin hall | <justin at bud dot com>