Justin Hall's personal site growing & breaking down since 1994

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sept 9

I chose this, I remind myself
cuz I knew I had to learn something

it looks like this
over and over again
I have to learn awareness

that sometimes that deadpan dead on sarcasm mebbe ain't productive
that maybe that joke won't be properly understood
that I'm a lonely bastard who'll take all the attention he can get -

I'm reminded of swarthmore, where I remember taking a class mascot role
only because I typically befriended the teach and proceeded to speak out of turn brashly presenting raunchy interjections

huhhn. >sigh<
I begin to feel as though I am proceeding in this relationship
this business relationship
as I do in my personal ones -
either acting to keep people at a distance
or dating people whose own drama is so intense it allows me to ignore my own

yeah, there's more than one imbalanced freak on this team
or else they wouldn't have hired me

abbe sez I'm like the canary -

when the oxygen gets short

I heard once the primary commodity of the net is attention
so too is it in the world
I'm pretty good at drawing attention to myself
as for why, armchair psychology is pretty obvious,
but I'm sad to note that I can't think of too many san franciscans with whom I can delve into this shit
or swarthmoreans
or chicagoans

I always feel I'm wasting people's time then
stating the obvious
("I need to get out more, I need to address the following need(s), I need to be more aware," etc.)
if I dealt properly in my own time I wouldn't be in this shit

so I resolve to work through it
'sides, sometimes, when people give me advice, I want to counsel them or just agree
it seems more for their benefit

rabbi ted. look, I've been a pretty good vegetarian for months (not these days),
I got decent sleep, I do nightly tai chi
I don't understand what's missing
someone suggested therapy
I don't understand - that's like,
well, what did people do before therapy? or without access to that tool?

I need to cultivate peer relationships that both get me away from work and work related stresses as we commiserate over shared griefs that confront us at these similar points in life.
I don't know any 21 year old dudes to go sling beers with
I don't know any 21 year old chicks

blah blah blah

tonight I got a talking to from a coworker because there've been complaints
I'm acting out
either I learn to deal with my need for attention
or I go back to being a cowboy, and see how long I can ride

flee to this source of worldly recognition
and away from a chance I have to be something larger than myself.

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justin hall | <justin at bud dot com>