dec 10 very short amount of time in which to compose this daze - amy has given me until 1.30 to work, because I made her wait -
she wanted to leave the mills college computer lab at one, but before she could tell me, right after we arrived, I left with an old chicago acquaintence to rezendezvous with someone I've known since I was 3, from parker, kendra segal. except the story kendra tells, or reminds me of, is when someone asked her whether she knew me, she said no, and I asked her, I was in high school then, I asked her didn't we know each other?
but she didn't feel like she knew me, and I guess, thinking about it, we didn't know each other. except for two things, now three after remeeting her this time:I learned she is a sag which as absurd as that is, is a slightly specific human connector
I remembered two things about her that remain true - patience beautiful quiet, something wonderful and understated - but not without something to say,
the other thing I remember about her is from a bible myth and epic class we took together freshman year, she wrote a moving poem for the class about the greek myth or bible chapter at hand, stirring and overkill for the assignment.I think she's still doing stuff like that.
we had a nice chat, our intermediary allison leviton turns out to be "the christmas coordinator for macy's west" - about 80 stores, (she's jewish),
she's responsible for purchasing and distributing 10 year warrantied fake christmas trees and having them trimmed by imported polish tree trimmers, and comes home each night covered in stray glitter
they resell these trees after the season "they're really good trees you know"anyways, chicago wealth, strange stuff. she's undermotivated-seeming, got into columbia lawschool and prefers to "scrounge around" europe instead of directing herself anywhere
me, today I tried to recover from last night's late night -I continue to read Citizen Hearst, by W A Swanberg -
nice to have a hands on evening with the computer (though perhaps I will have in 20 minutes something similar here today to showI rose and rejoined cristiana,
who works on chandra as well
and so we spoke of me perhaps sharing my space with her to help her find a place in the city or something along those lines
so nice to arrange people's lives for them
I realized, I feel love and charitable instinct for that woman, but I don't know that I am prepared to be attentive to someone I have found frustrating
she requires some hands on, and I am a professional not yet fully charitable perhaps
so interesting to read of an american life, as such, an enormous publishing appetite
being perhaps a teenager (does this ever stop?) I hold this and nearly every work up as a reflection either of my creation-prowess or my lifestyle
I notice the differences between myself and he - I'm more confident and less drivenbut amy, reading over kez (the last draft - 40 pages and abandoned, my mom forwarded it to me from home
she sez, your mom read this?
(because it's very strange.)
well," justin says, "I gave it to her, she read the first part and said she didn't want to finish.you gave this to your mom to read?
you need so much attention! why do you need so much attention? why do you need so much attention?
I shrugged.
I dunno.
what am I supposed to say? I can surmise psychology or spin socialism, but I come to see myself, through spiritual searchings, as compelled and destined to do these naturally coming things for reasons hamstrung by analysis. right?
I dunno, I'm just reaching the part where hearst's needs for attention unfulfilled by 8 newspapers and the highest circulation in the world and wealth and women,
he decides to become a political power and begins to lose things
so I don't want to be consumed by too much prefeshunal akulade or positive reader response
hubris
I hold on to this diary, this writing direct as a means to keep it me, simple, me talking direct and largely unadorned or larger than the frame of your browser five minutesanyways, I'm talking out my ass,
my mom called as I was leaving eminds to track down al decker's going away party (I failed)
we talked some dentistry, lynn's recommended dentist sez I grind my teeth too much, I have a cracked tooth, he hopes I don't have to get a root canalmom sez she thought it was inappropriate to speak to and invite folks from my high school to visit my web page
and then write sex with amy during her period, and taking pictures of it.
I should show a little decorum.I had to go, I said I would think about it.
amy was shocked - she reads this? she reads this?
oh my god.mom don't comment often on these contents, some positive, very few negative.
something to think about, although I think what makes me think and tick will not change, or if it does, what won't change is wanting to write frankly and truthfully about it.
although rereading some of my old stuff is a little jarring - maybe I will want to distance myself from things I used to do or say
but hey, I was 16 then, take that into consideration.
and I'm 21 now. once enough people react pooly to enough of these contents, I'll either board up parts of my virtual sprawl or I will raise up my own little ghetto where people won't expect any better.
justin hall | <justin at bud dot com>