|
with my duo, in my parents apartment
drinking sake and lemon ginger echinacea juice mix
finally decided on a special major for swarthmore:
"meaning context and media"
writing the proposal to start the academic politics full scale
i just called amy,
i love her
she swore at me endlessly; in a weird mood
fuq queoooo!
refused to talk about her job shit
asked me not to care
so i said, "okay."
quite a change from being painfully invested
i'd rather drink and work on my major
listen to jungle music
today i saw the air & water show
over 1 million other chicagoans did too
not a single one i knew
they pretended like an indiana army guy kidnapped an illinoisian national guard
navy seals landed on north avenue beach and called in an apache helicopter strike
there were explosions, and play-by-play announcings
it was weird
i masturbate a lot this time
maybe amy withdrawl; i saw her last week;
san francisco between honduras and chicago
i need to find a new home for my web page; i'm working on the press release.
stay tuned
i leave for swarthmore soon. my last year, gosh willing. i look forward to livin' with wilson
|
amy asked for space again
she called back for it
"
i can't tell if you're being totally reasonable or if you're nuts
you talk like you're on a talk show
you're being so reasonable i can't argue with you
"
so she had to go
it was sad
i said, i don't know what i'm going to do after college now
i mean, i was going to move to sf to be with her,
hoping to with her to visit her grandmother in thailand
"
will you stop thinking so far in advance?
you're going to strain your neck.
this may be only for two weeks
"
ahh amy, you're one of my favourites
let me know when i can open the floodgates
i'm alone
lonely
sometimes
too bad i started drinking before this all came
i wanted to feel a little more of it
as it is, the pain is only as bitter as a half stomach of sake
and i knew it was coming, somewhere
maybe when she described her provocative clothes
and the public male reactions
she faught them off, what a trooper
but i knew, i had to insulate myself some
like
i just have to resist being painfully invested
like i went to 4th presby church this morn
martin e. marty said
a religious mind lets go of desire and becomes aware of higher desire
man i sure like amy
i even mentioned her in my new web site press release
i'm starting to write something to her,
it's some like writing to myself
but just a bit outside of justin
she's similarly tweaked
but i guess i overwhelmed her - too many choices she's got to make and i would just a soon help make them for her and be a big presence in her life from across america and ain't that the pits when you're still trying to figure out who you are and what are your priorities? so when i see that i back off and give her amy and take justin and think, gosh, it's too bad i found someone i liked and was just too much again. i'm either too little or when i find that focus they still can't stand
but i get older, and things get better
amy told me she felt like i had an aura like i was gonna die young
chandra told me a similar thing
gk said something comforting to me last night -
his chicks always tell him he's gonna die young too.
hah.
so my higher desire is to find that focus outside of cunt and cock and all this risky bullshit that ends up being too much for somebody i mean i'm not ready to get me to a nunnery but maybe i'll play the field and feel confident and retract and finally finish school
maybe amy did the right thing for the both of us
maybe i'll start this magazine where each month i study a different how to:
like the 5 chinese lantern ceiling light fixture i built for amy last week
how quickly and thoroughly she entered my consciousness
and then, to explain to my querying family
actually, yeah, amy, we were dating, now she needs space
like 3000 miles isn't enough
long distance is tough
like my long distance relationship with the divine.
i don't compare. i like amy.
|
