Old Notes:thursday 24 november
I miss amythursday 9 november
her customs smells and her reality
so many photos of her she's making a (negative) comment on the photographic subjectivity
and i wonder if a woman who loves being in photos is any better.
meanwhile it's full scream ahead
i'm persuing my time alone with writing and madness
responding to personal ads
the confidence to love.
i want to understand
maximizing experience and stimulation
by camping out in front of two to three screens ten hours a day
the artist and the geek
i write about them
they both have zits.
monday 6 november
I looked like this:
and I was waving this around: Manifold Manifest
Now, I look like this:
And I'm passionately studying computer games.
exerpted notes from when we met:
"...intimacy compelling but disillusioning because its not intimate. " Reminds me just a little of what she said about us after just short of four years of continued conversation.
"I've got to prove that I can live alone," he thought, as he scrubbed at some egg caked on a fork. "But she has dirty dishes in her sink when I come over," the egg was not coming off. "This should be a casual dinner. I shouldn't be thinking about how clean my house is. I should get some candles, some good music, and give her the food in good time." He put down the fork. "But I don't have any appetizers or special food. I'll give her a cut up apple for desert - it's a delicious red fuji apple."
He felt a little uncomfortable. "Maybe she'll leave early and I can play some Shenmue. She has things to do too. But this is not a booty call - this is 'let's have dinner.' I wonder what that will be like." He finished taking a piss and sat down at the computer. It was still two hours until she might come over, and there wasn't much shallow cleaning left. Maybe she would be late.
* * *
Amy came over for some beans and greens.
I feel in relation to other people. So she asks me how do you feel? and I feel open ended. Maybe I'm going to love Amy deeply again, maybe we're not going to be together. I haven't made up my mind. I know I miss her, and I enjoyed living with her and I'm glad we're still friends. I was sad when she moved away.
And then she moved to express herself and it was like a serious flush compared to my little splashing of water.
And I listen to her and I still maintain some optimism and mutability - that we have this basis of love between us. That remains, even if we have mutated into something more resembling pathological irony over the time we've lived together. She remarks that we don't seem to love very deeply any more, we haven't in years. I ponder myself as a quieter fellow, I explain that I wanted to learn to be more a part of the working/bill paying world. She remarks that I've become 99% gamers.com.
Her and Howard both say this thing about me.
Living together, it's like the step that propels you into another step. You say, I want to share this life. For the rest of life. And instead we remain detached. Hello, I love you, Hello, We pay bills.
we were long distance lovers. then we moved intogether. then we had no dream.
So maybe it is to make a beautiful relationship thing you say, "hello, let us know that this love is deep within our hearts and there is no love beyond this love and there is no bill overdue on this love. We pay it now and we pay it forever."
Part of payment is the honourable discussion we share between a couple. But part of the bill payment is some kind of deep confidence that you have arrived in your home with your heart.
And so being a flexible and mutable and optimistic person I have said, "I have met no lady so wonderful as amy." and this is to say, "maybe I will meet that lady." Or, "maybe she will meet that guy." But these are now times for decisions to be made within the heart, to feel that confidence that you have met that guy you have met that lady and they have met and they are still timeless lovers.
Amy says, "You are a block of alabaster." Later, she says, "You are an alien."
I feel in relation to others. Amy brings out feelings in me. She said it was over and then it was strange for her, "you're giving me the hard sell"
for me I am just sharing my optimism. that we can be friends and lovers still. what do you picture for us justin? "collaborators."
I can feel, feel, like fear in my mind, that I am invoking a curse. the curse is that I can meet the most lovable woman ever. and I can live with her and love her. and over time because of who i am, it will be impossible for us to live in love together.
i can either
a) talk her into loving me again and open up a life of
a) misery b) true contentment
or b) allow her to talk us apart and
a) move along into a life of mercurial lovelessness, confronting the same issues of detachment and distance with a series of beautiful ladies
or b) find the love of my life, over and over again
or c) realize amy was great and maintain a lifelong friendship and collaboration.
I love my job. I love amy. I love my cat. I love computer games. amy is soft. amy is sweet. amy's smell when she pees it makes me curious.
I've met a beautiful woman
together we know how to talk
but after too long i get funky
and she learns how to walk
i say it's lonely times
when you're living all alone
and not just me and the cat
we're still living in her home
amy she sez i'm distant
she says i'm uncommunicative
well i just don't know what to do
So the ups and downs of emotional easygoingness
easy to pin in on my past
amy's asked me to sit headlong in our future
howard asked me this weekend, how are you feeling? how's amy? and didn't get very deep. excuses. she this, she that. no me. me i'm just working, playing.
i'm just working and playing. i feel in relation to other people. i will find another person to pull feelings out of me. there's some feelings of mine that amy will have forever. she can pull them out of me. i still don't know anyone else who can. years later i wonder if there isn't anyone else. i would have to chance my behaviour to keep her. i want to. i can. do i? do i change my behaviour? should i? should i seek out someone who will more easily fit into my body.
I must be more sincere. i told amy i'm jumping rope and taking vitamins. cleaning up my house. remove excess leave center. concentrate, become more aware. young lady who lives with you who is making fun of you all the time may not be happy. notes for a later happy life.
no matter who i meet i will always try to bring justin.
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