23 april, 1996

23 april, 1996

different social contract choice today
feeling sick and chicken eatin'
ornery
had my flip flops off, my legs over a plastic chair
dining hall lounging
a stooped white overweight baggy arms
where are your shoes?
you mean my shoes? (you pointing at me?)
no, he she, it, whatever, where are your shoes? (yeah, pointing at me)
they're on my head!
don't play with me, or I'm gonna call security
you feel strongly about this, don't you?
it's a federal law, and it comes back to us
pointed to herself employee
wow, I can see those feds creepin' up spyin' on my shoeless self now.
that's it, I'm calling security
she hustles off
carew, martin and big Ben
we were long finished
sort of killed our buzz
I guess I did.
we left.

I realized, if I can hear the birds
and I can hear the birds
what need have I for CDs?
so I haven't been listening for the past few days.

initial artistic efforts are typical plus de la frenetique
liz phair's exile versus whip smart
tonight I watched cabaret reprise rehersal
definitely more self-aware
full scale broadway musical numbers
mike has adapted the red star symbol
and taken to calling it "the cabaret collective"

stream of cross media invective
over weekend portraiture
can you write about someone who is sexy
without being degrading or objectifying?
I guess that picture of denise is a little flaming
but so is she!
exploiting her for hits. god. I do that to all my friends.
am I just reinforcing the white male power placement
with a sort of webbed up julio and willie's girls?
I'd like to think I'm doin' good by being honest, but
I tell you this
wherever there is sexual tension
dark areas
like kali

fuckin' I can't write herein
the people I've been with
the source root tap depth part

like
gun toting cocaine paranoid dads
13 year old sibling screwing seven year old sister
psycho saying, look there's mom! just kidding
her problem now, I think she liked it.
four hour daily bulemia
molested by a camp counselor
stalked him through the mail all the way home
still questioning his sexuality
overbearing high school mom bred college unprotected sex daughter
alcoholic parents
drunken dad proclaiming daughter a whore at a fancy restaurant

invite me to your town
I'll tell you a straighter story
secrets like tumbleweeds in the desert
why not on the web?
cuz someone might make a connection

without compassion

compassion like keeping most them stories unlinked
though it would flesh in relationships and representations of people I've made up here
folks have a right to their privacy,
and I'm stuck walking the margins, hinting at the helpful stuff
cuz it's judgement that defeats us
really, you can't see the mail I get
people respond to the potent parts.
extending it is your own lightness,
in turn the lightness of others
acknowledge suffering
if everyone does it,
ain't no use holding on to your own

but then, you wouldn't want to be known as
the bone thin girl who eats crazy amounts of salad bar and maniacly exercises

but as a part of larger dialogue

these things take time

got to say something

might as well get the heavy shit out there

so why is it my responsibility to expose

leigh keiser had an eating disorder?
because I'm wrestling with life, and this is how I do it.
somehow, leigh grokked on that.

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